A mammoth task just keeps getting more mammothy with the ridiculous amount of run outs and stumpings. Can someone please explain how The Quitter managed to get down so quickly and pick up the ball and throw out Ponting given he's just about broken down??? Unbelievable!
Only two things have separated these two teams over this series: Rudi Koertzen and 'man-child' Broad's spell in the 1st innings of this Test. Apart from that, it's been extremely even with no real stand outs. Some would say that The Quitter's spell in the Lord's Test was brilliant but your Direktor must point out that if it wasn't for Rudi's appalling behaviour he wouldn't have picked up those wickets and that match may not have gone the way of the Poms.
It was great to see Hussey pick up another century for his country...a little too late, for mind, however a fighting spirit was shown when the chips were down. Is it enough to save his place in the side, I don't think so. That may just be the last time we see the Huss on tour playing Test match cricket. I'm sure the ACB selector's will be going the way of youth with Phil Hughes moving to No.4 in his place.
What Clarke and North were doing today, I just do not know!?! At such a critical juncture of the Test, to be run out and stumped beggars belief. Especially against the likes of England who are notoriously poor fielders. Had they not thrown their wickets away this match would be going a different route all together. There isn't that many runs to get and to have them fall without putting anything on the board was simply disastrous. 50 or 60 from each of them would have set Australia up for a famous win. I'm sure Punter will be having a quiet word in their ears and making them both pack the kit bag.
And Haddin, the last recognised batsman dancing down the wicket for glory was just downright foolhardy. Talk about a day of brain farts!? Jeez...
Your Direktor would like to point out, since he was out last night watching the rugby and not being in the right state of mind to string two sentences together, the extremely sportsman-like manner in which King Ricky shook The Quitter's hand when he came out to bat yesterday. Knowing it was his last dig in Test cricket the King congratulated Fred on his services to his country, which was warmly received by everyone. Well done mate! You weren't the best player going around, but you are a legend.
Speaking of well done...the pitch. Obviously doctored to get a result, the dustbowl at The Brit Oval played right into the hands of the Poms this Test, which will no doubt see the curator being awarded an MBE, OBE and Knighthood. I hope he doesn't get hit by a bus on his way home later. :)
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
5th Test - 2nd Day
Dear God...
I know we haven't sp0ken of late, but I need to speak with you and say a little prayer. It's just been one of those days. Please lend me your ear.
I know I've drunk a lot of alcohol over the years, and
I know I've taken too many pharmaceuticals too, and
I know I've been a little too naughty in a lot of dodgy Asian clubs, and
I know I've set up a few of my mates with lady-boys in Thailand, and
I know I've secretly had undesirable thoughts about my mates' wives, and
I know I've said some pretty bad things to people on the odd occassion, and
I know I've sledged the odd whinging Pommy or two, but
please,
please,
please,
would you ensure the English summer plays true to form and rains over the next 3 days. I'd be ever so appreciative and will even start to go to church on Sundays. The real church, not that awful one in Shephard's Bush where all those horrid little Australian's go. I promise.
Ahmen.
I know we haven't sp0ken of late, but I need to speak with you and say a little prayer. It's just been one of those days. Please lend me your ear.
I know I've drunk a lot of alcohol over the years, and
I know I've taken too many pharmaceuticals too, and
I know I've been a little too naughty in a lot of dodgy Asian clubs, and
I know I've set up a few of my mates with lady-boys in Thailand, and
I know I've secretly had undesirable thoughts about my mates' wives, and
I know I've said some pretty bad things to people on the odd occassion, and
I know I've sledged the odd whinging Pommy or two, but
please,
please,
please,
would you ensure the English summer plays true to form and rains over the next 3 days. I'd be ever so appreciative and will even start to go to church on Sundays. The real church, not that awful one in Shephard's Bush where all those horrid little Australian's go. I promise.
Ahmen.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
5th Test - Day 1
I don't know what's been more boring today...listening to my wife's day at the office or watching England bat. I'm sure I've been teleported back to the 80's and I'm watching Boycott and Taveray (sic) batting for a draw. Thank God the Victoria's Secret show was being broadcast tonight or else I'd have to go to bed and snuggle instead of spend 10 minutes in the toilet (wink!). Phew!
Nudge! Nudge! Oi, England. FYI, you actually have to play for a win. I'm not sure if you know this or not, but it's 1 all and everything to play for. You actually have to win this one to win the Ashes back. Jeez!!! I'd rather watch a cockroach try and rape a squirrel at this point.
Cook played like a teenage prostitute again throwing himself at anything with a ball/s. Hopeless! Honestly, what's happened to England's openers of late? It's as if they've decided that one win out of five is enough and they're spot in the team is secure. Wake up Pommy! If not for your country, then for the viewing public who have to pay for this shit. Strauss. WAKE UP!!!
Again it was demonstrated that most lepers’ have more Facebook friends than Andy Flower after the ECB voted against his proposal to play Monty Panesar. The Flower said his duty as the English coach is clear & he could never support forcing anyone to play a broken down old hack and a guy who just can't pick up wickets over someone who picks up wickets at regular intervals.
Such a battle has not been seen since Wellington vs. Napoleon played at Waterloo or VHS vs. Beta ... but turning into the home straight for the last time Your Director has again sat back on his pedestal and with complete faith decided that England's lack of spirit may just be their final undoing. The close up provided by television shows the glum faces under blue helmets knowing that time is running out for them having lost too many wickets on the first day. Thankfully, Australia provided England with some much needed sundries to make their nap time tonight a little easier.
Leaving the Chinese quaking in fear, Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, announced today that he proposes to link the Australian & New Zealand defence forces together to form a new ANZAC Contingent. Defence Force officials from both countries will finalise the details of who gets to hold the gun and in what accent ANZAC soldiers will yell 'bang'.
Speaking of banging...a few clips of our Princess-in-waiting, Kevin "The Nancy" Pietersen, were flashed before our humble eyes today. No doubt he came to see his countryman, Trott, make some runs for South Africa. Oh sorry, England! And speaking of runs, or lack thereof, Freddie "The Quitter" Flintoff made absolutely NONE! Nice one Freddie.
On to the 2nd day now and there's tail enders' wickets to collect by Australia followed by 2 days of batting by the Legends. If your Direktor knew anything about cricket, and he doesn't, he'd say that England will end up with ~350 runs by lunch on Day 2 with Australia coming in to bat until the last hour of the 3rd day with 150 runs in their back pockets :)
But that's just your Direktor.....not me :)
Enjoy your day mortals...
Nudge! Nudge! Oi, England. FYI, you actually have to play for a win. I'm not sure if you know this or not, but it's 1 all and everything to play for. You actually have to win this one to win the Ashes back. Jeez!!! I'd rather watch a cockroach try and rape a squirrel at this point.
Cook played like a teenage prostitute again throwing himself at anything with a ball/s. Hopeless! Honestly, what's happened to England's openers of late? It's as if they've decided that one win out of five is enough and they're spot in the team is secure. Wake up Pommy! If not for your country, then for the viewing public who have to pay for this shit. Strauss. WAKE UP!!!
Again it was demonstrated that most lepers’ have more Facebook friends than Andy Flower after the ECB voted against his proposal to play Monty Panesar. The Flower said his duty as the English coach is clear & he could never support forcing anyone to play a broken down old hack and a guy who just can't pick up wickets over someone who picks up wickets at regular intervals.
Such a battle has not been seen since Wellington vs. Napoleon played at Waterloo or VHS vs. Beta ... but turning into the home straight for the last time Your Director has again sat back on his pedestal and with complete faith decided that England's lack of spirit may just be their final undoing. The close up provided by television shows the glum faces under blue helmets knowing that time is running out for them having lost too many wickets on the first day. Thankfully, Australia provided England with some much needed sundries to make their nap time tonight a little easier.
Leaving the Chinese quaking in fear, Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, announced today that he proposes to link the Australian & New Zealand defence forces together to form a new ANZAC Contingent. Defence Force officials from both countries will finalise the details of who gets to hold the gun and in what accent ANZAC soldiers will yell 'bang'.
Speaking of banging...a few clips of our Princess-in-waiting, Kevin "The Nancy" Pietersen, were flashed before our humble eyes today. No doubt he came to see his countryman, Trott, make some runs for South Africa. Oh sorry, England! And speaking of runs, or lack thereof, Freddie "The Quitter" Flintoff made absolutely NONE! Nice one Freddie.
On to the 2nd day now and there's tail enders' wickets to collect by Australia followed by 2 days of batting by the Legends. If your Direktor knew anything about cricket, and he doesn't, he'd say that England will end up with ~350 runs by lunch on Day 2 with Australia coming in to bat until the last hour of the 3rd day with 150 runs in their back pockets :)
But that's just your Direktor.....not me :)
Enjoy your day mortals...
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
5th Test - Preview
As the illegal bookies circle like vultures over the Ozzie camp, the lead up to the final Ashes Test of this campaign has really begun to heat up.
Warney has been waxing lyrical of late in the print media about how he'd like cricket to change permanently by allowing HIM and only him to make all future plans in relation to Limited Overs cricket, the IPL and Test matches...as long as they are scheduled around his Poker tourney's, tanning and teeth whitening sessions and pub crawls. Someone should tell Warney that only people with lots and lots of money have the power to do that. Not some overweight sports legend with a penchant for Bundy and cokes, durries and slutty, middle-aged gusset munchers from Essex.
This last week has been awash with drawing room chatter surrounding the selection crisis at the ECB and their decision on which non-English player to select over the other. It looks as if Bopara has not curried any favour at all with his lack of 'the runs' and has been shown the back door like a 1am Vindaloo. Former South African/Zimbabwean/Tanzanian/Icelandic/Belgian Trott has been fancied to prop up an ailing middle order should 'Dinger' Bell choke in the teens again and spill tears on a dry, turning Oval wicket.
Could the skull-capped Monty come to the fore and provide the spice England so crave? Or are the selectors going to stick with the Onions? Man-child Broad could see himself put on the back-burner for this most crucial of all Ashes Tests in modern history if England decide to go with two spinners. I wouldn't like to be picking this team in case of the dire fallout so many have already predicted comes true.
Australia, too, are facing a selection predicament. Do they drop the in-form Clark for the in-form Hauritz? Or do they keep the four in-form quicks and rely on the in-form spinning talents of in-form Clarke, North and bit time, in-form Katich? Hard one to pick here as they are all, you guessed it, ... in form! My bet is they'll go with what the wicket is telling them and drop Clark for Hauritz. A huge call given Clark's match-winning feats at Headingley seeing England crumble to 102 all out.
Brett Lee has pretty much sealed his fate as a Twenty20 and Limited Overs exponent. Having sat out the 1st four Tests of this series his future as an Australian test player has been regrettably sealed and effectively written off like an Obama Healthcare plan. Time for old Binga to hang up his boots retire to the land of Bollywood, play some IPL for a couple million dollars a year and strum his geetar. Well played mate!
So mortals it comes down to this. Five days or 30 hours or 15 sessions or 450 overs of pure, unadulterated, slap my Mamma, in-your-face, teeth rattling, throat numbing, sphincter puckering, eye bulging madness at The Oval (of course, barring the non-summery English summer). Who will land the biggest prize in all of the Lands?
We'll just have to wait and see. Good luck to all.......especially to Australia coz I love them so very much (wink, wink. call me) :)
Warney has been waxing lyrical of late in the print media about how he'd like cricket to change permanently by allowing HIM and only him to make all future plans in relation to Limited Overs cricket, the IPL and Test matches...as long as they are scheduled around his Poker tourney's, tanning and teeth whitening sessions and pub crawls. Someone should tell Warney that only people with lots and lots of money have the power to do that. Not some overweight sports legend with a penchant for Bundy and cokes, durries and slutty, middle-aged gusset munchers from Essex.
This last week has been awash with drawing room chatter surrounding the selection crisis at the ECB and their decision on which non-English player to select over the other. It looks as if Bopara has not curried any favour at all with his lack of 'the runs' and has been shown the back door like a 1am Vindaloo. Former South African/Zimbabwean/Tanzanian/Icelandic/Belgian Trott has been fancied to prop up an ailing middle order should 'Dinger' Bell choke in the teens again and spill tears on a dry, turning Oval wicket.
Could the skull-capped Monty come to the fore and provide the spice England so crave? Or are the selectors going to stick with the Onions? Man-child Broad could see himself put on the back-burner for this most crucial of all Ashes Tests in modern history if England decide to go with two spinners. I wouldn't like to be picking this team in case of the dire fallout so many have already predicted comes true.
Australia, too, are facing a selection predicament. Do they drop the in-form Clark for the in-form Hauritz? Or do they keep the four in-form quicks and rely on the in-form spinning talents of in-form Clarke, North and bit time, in-form Katich? Hard one to pick here as they are all, you guessed it, ... in form! My bet is they'll go with what the wicket is telling them and drop Clark for Hauritz. A huge call given Clark's match-winning feats at Headingley seeing England crumble to 102 all out.
Brett Lee has pretty much sealed his fate as a Twenty20 and Limited Overs exponent. Having sat out the 1st four Tests of this series his future as an Australian test player has been regrettably sealed and effectively written off like an Obama Healthcare plan. Time for old Binga to hang up his boots retire to the land of Bollywood, play some IPL for a couple million dollars a year and strum his geetar. Well played mate!
So mortals it comes down to this. Five days or 30 hours or 15 sessions or 450 overs of pure, unadulterated, slap my Mamma, in-your-face, teeth rattling, throat numbing, sphincter puckering, eye bulging madness at The Oval (of course, barring the non-summery English summer). Who will land the biggest prize in all of the Lands?
We'll just have to wait and see. Good luck to all.......especially to Australia coz I love them so very much (wink, wink. call me) :)
Sunday, August 9, 2009
4th Test - Day 3
One session and a bit on the 3rd day.....and it's all over. Who woulda thunk it? Australian supporters, that's who!
Having been rubbished by the media, the English supporters, the terrible commentary team, the English readers of this blog and the Barmy Army "boo boys", Australia came out of the blocks and absolutely made the Poms look like a bunch amateurs. It truly was a one-sided game and some serious questions need to be answered. One of those is whether Strauss knows how to captain a team, or not. Some of the bowling and field change decisions he made throughout this Test, especially during the Clarke and North's innings, were bordering on the ridiculous, to be honest, not to mention the 12th man changes where he was constantly leaving the field to seek guidance from the coach.
The Flower will need to make the decision on whether to bring back Freddie 'The pin-cushioned Quitter' from the pastures or keep 'Grievous Bodily Harmison' in; whether Bopara should be dropped to No.6 (or just dropped); whether to bring in Sidebottom or another spinner; whether to stick Bell in at No.3, and whether to place a fiddy on an English win a la the Lillee/Marsh fiasco of '81.
Australia will no doubt drop either Clark or Siddle for this last Test to make way for Hauritz. The Oval will play dry and dusty, which will suit the spinning talents of each team, which will also see the possibility of a Monty return. Look for some scathing reports in tomorrow's British tabloids. They should be quite entertaining. The Brits have never been shy in their public lambasting of their sporting elite. Good when they're up, but when their down...the Poms do like to rubbish each other.
See you in a week or so mortals. Looking forward to what will be a most dramatic of final Tests. Onward Christian soldiers and pip pip :)
Having been rubbished by the media, the English supporters, the terrible commentary team, the English readers of this blog and the Barmy Army "boo boys", Australia came out of the blocks and absolutely made the Poms look like a bunch amateurs. It truly was a one-sided game and some serious questions need to be answered. One of those is whether Strauss knows how to captain a team, or not. Some of the bowling and field change decisions he made throughout this Test, especially during the Clarke and North's innings, were bordering on the ridiculous, to be honest, not to mention the 12th man changes where he was constantly leaving the field to seek guidance from the coach.
The Flower will need to make the decision on whether to bring back Freddie 'The pin-cushioned Quitter' from the pastures or keep 'Grievous Bodily Harmison' in; whether Bopara should be dropped to No.6 (or just dropped); whether to bring in Sidebottom or another spinner; whether to stick Bell in at No.3, and whether to place a fiddy on an English win a la the Lillee/Marsh fiasco of '81.
Australia will no doubt drop either Clark or Siddle for this last Test to make way for Hauritz. The Oval will play dry and dusty, which will suit the spinning talents of each team, which will also see the possibility of a Monty return. Look for some scathing reports in tomorrow's British tabloids. They should be quite entertaining. The Brits have never been shy in their public lambasting of their sporting elite. Good when they're up, but when their down...the Poms do like to rubbish each other.
See you in a week or so mortals. Looking forward to what will be a most dramatic of final Tests. Onward Christian soldiers and pip pip :)
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
4th test - Day 1
Strauss - out (twice)
Cook - out (none)
Bopara - out (none) - I'm sorry, is he really a cricketer or a cook from Essex?
Bell - out (none)
Prior - out (none)
Swann - out (none)
Broad - out (none)
Anderson - out (none)
GBH - out (none)
Onions - out (none)
Or, 3, 8, 30, 0, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.................which is kind of how I was trying to teach my neighbours' 4 year old to count to yesterday. He can only count to 31!!! Go figure...
By the way, that was the driest bunch of 'nones' I've seen since I toured the Vatican in 2006. Woof! It's also the quietest I've heard Beefy since Australia lost to India last year where he waxed lyrical, verbally and in print, that England would beat the the Ozzies easily. Beefy, you're a complete and absolute TWAT!!!!!!
The ECB decided today to bat the upper Milton Keynes 1st XI scone baking team to take on the Australians since England had already won one game out of three and therefore decided that was the best they could muster in 4 years of cricket against Australia (1 win in the last 9).
In addition, England decided that they should just rest on their laurels for this Test and hope for the best. Your Direktor would like to point out to the ladies of MK (read: England 1st XI) that having Flintoff and Pietersen out of the team doesn't preclude the fact that one shouldn't have to place one's head in one's pocket and go "peak-a-boo" ... coz there's about 30 TV camera's placed around the ground that will pick up every single grimace imaginable.
The decision to pick Grievous Bodily "Harmison" was clearly a step back in time, in your Direktors opinion. The ECB should always look forward, not backwards and their choice to play the ageing 'has been' may just come back and bite them in the proverbial. His slow, medium, average, crap pastey away swing is likely to get NO ONE out, very quickly! (sic).
Has anyone told the Poms that that was only the 1st day of play and Test match cricket is a FIVE DAY event?!?!?!?!?!?
The umpires, again, failed the viewing public with decisions of LBW directly in front (Strauss) and around the wicket (Hussey). Come on!!! If a bowler is bowling, right-arm around, and he's swinging it a mile into a left hander...it's NOT OUT!!! For @#*s sake! It's going down leg. It doesn't matter what 'Hawkeye' says...the ball from around the wicket is ALWAYS going down leg if it's straight. FUCKING WAKE UMPIRE! YOU'RE NOT Rudi-fucking-Koertzen!!
Long way to go, but looking ominous for the 'Pastey Pimply ones". Ozstralia looking for a middle order spell of at least a 300 run lead going into the 2nd/3rd day so long as they can hold their end and not be pathetically stupid...which is something they like doing, very, very much! It's times like this when your Direktor would like to see the batting line up, after 4 down of:
S. Waugh
M. Waugh
M. Clarke
A. Gilchrist
S. Warne,
et al...
Ouch!!!
Now we have, North and Clarke, with Haddin to follow and then Johnson. Hmmmmmmm....I'm actually okay with that. Thanks for pointing that out Direktor.
You're welcome :)
Good luck Limey's!!!
Cook - out (none)
Bopara - out (none) - I'm sorry, is he really a cricketer or a cook from Essex?
Bell - out (none)
Prior - out (none)
Swann - out (none)
Broad - out (none)
Anderson - out (none)
GBH - out (none)
Onions - out (none)
Or, 3, 8, 30, 0, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.................which is kind of how I was trying to teach my neighbours' 4 year old to count to yesterday. He can only count to 31!!! Go figure...
By the way, that was the driest bunch of 'nones' I've seen since I toured the Vatican in 2006. Woof! It's also the quietest I've heard Beefy since Australia lost to India last year where he waxed lyrical, verbally and in print, that England would beat the the Ozzies easily. Beefy, you're a complete and absolute TWAT!!!!!!
The ECB decided today to bat the upper Milton Keynes 1st XI scone baking team to take on the Australians since England had already won one game out of three and therefore decided that was the best they could muster in 4 years of cricket against Australia (1 win in the last 9).
In addition, England decided that they should just rest on their laurels for this Test and hope for the best. Your Direktor would like to point out to the ladies of MK (read: England 1st XI) that having Flintoff and Pietersen out of the team doesn't preclude the fact that one shouldn't have to place one's head in one's pocket and go "peak-a-boo" ... coz there's about 30 TV camera's placed around the ground that will pick up every single grimace imaginable.
The decision to pick Grievous Bodily "Harmison" was clearly a step back in time, in your Direktors opinion. The ECB should always look forward, not backwards and their choice to play the ageing 'has been' may just come back and bite them in the proverbial. His slow, medium, average, crap pastey away swing is likely to get NO ONE out, very quickly! (sic).
Has anyone told the Poms that that was only the 1st day of play and Test match cricket is a FIVE DAY event?!?!?!?!?!?
The umpires, again, failed the viewing public with decisions of LBW directly in front (Strauss) and around the wicket (Hussey). Come on!!! If a bowler is bowling, right-arm around, and he's swinging it a mile into a left hander...it's NOT OUT!!! For @#*s sake! It's going down leg. It doesn't matter what 'Hawkeye' says...the ball from around the wicket is ALWAYS going down leg if it's straight. FUCKING WAKE UMPIRE! YOU'RE NOT Rudi-fucking-Koertzen!!
Long way to go, but looking ominous for the 'Pastey Pimply ones". Ozstralia looking for a middle order spell of at least a 300 run lead going into the 2nd/3rd day so long as they can hold their end and not be pathetically stupid...which is something they like doing, very, very much! It's times like this when your Direktor would like to see the batting line up, after 4 down of:
S. Waugh
M. Waugh
M. Clarke
A. Gilchrist
S. Warne,
et al...
Ouch!!!
Now we have, North and Clarke, with Haddin to follow and then Johnson. Hmmmmmmm....I'm actually okay with that. Thanks for pointing that out Direktor.
You're welcome :)
Good luck Limey's!!!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
4th Test - Preview
The Poms all live in a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine...They all live in a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine
They always play for a draw
Till they stumbled upon a dream
And now their team is breaking down
In their leaky submarine
The Poms all live in a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine...They all live in a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine
Aussies live a life of ease
Everyone of us has all we need
Sky of blue and pitch of green
Players all, brilliant indeed
The Poms all live in a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine
They all live in a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine
Yes, the English are falling apart at the seams mirroring the events of 2005 when McGrath was sadly ripped from the team having rolled an ankle on a deliberately placed ball by an opponent during the warm up session. This led to Australia's demise, 2-1, which, as we all know, was quite easily accounted for in 2007...5-zip!
Your Direktor has been informed that The Flower has brought in yet another African to play for England should The Quitter not be able to hobble out to take his place in the starting XI. That brings to 4 the total of African's playing/coaching for the English team at present. It's becoming more like Arsene Wenger's (English) football squad. Pity!
With news this week coming out of Oxford University stating that England was more egalitarian than Australia and therefore British men ranked #1 as 'best husbands' for their domesticity in the household (Australia ranked last, due to their like of beer and the great outdoors), your Direktor thinks that maybe it's time that the Poms should just stay home with a nice cup of tea and let the big boys play the mans game. Bless em!
Bill Clinton orchestrated a humanitarian mission to Pyongyang this week to release two U.S. journalists (read: spies) from captivity and setting them free from hard labour and dancing in the streets with large colourful ribbons. As this was going on, Hillary Clinton was in Africa scouting for players for the English cricket team and attempting to set free any citizens who had any blood ties with any Englishman in history....ever! She found one in Trott, who is DNA-linked with a 380 year old bat that once lived in a cave in Dover. Good enough for the ECB, good enough for me.
Big Test this week....BIG! Everything is on the line in what will be the best Test played in the last 4 years. Guaranteed. Look out for loads of runs and loads of spin. Also look out for Clark tearing the Poms a new one :)
They always play for a draw
Till they stumbled upon a dream
And now their team is breaking down
In their leaky submarine
The Poms all live in a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine...They all live in a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine
Aussies live a life of ease
Everyone of us has all we need
Sky of blue and pitch of green
Players all, brilliant indeed
The Poms all live in a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine
They all live in a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine
Yes, the English are falling apart at the seams mirroring the events of 2005 when McGrath was sadly ripped from the team having rolled an ankle on a deliberately placed ball by an opponent during the warm up session. This led to Australia's demise, 2-1, which, as we all know, was quite easily accounted for in 2007...5-zip!
Your Direktor has been informed that The Flower has brought in yet another African to play for England should The Quitter not be able to hobble out to take his place in the starting XI. That brings to 4 the total of African's playing/coaching for the English team at present. It's becoming more like Arsene Wenger's (English) football squad. Pity!
With news this week coming out of Oxford University stating that England was more egalitarian than Australia and therefore British men ranked #1 as 'best husbands' for their domesticity in the household (Australia ranked last, due to their like of beer and the great outdoors), your Direktor thinks that maybe it's time that the Poms should just stay home with a nice cup of tea and let the big boys play the mans game. Bless em!
Bill Clinton orchestrated a humanitarian mission to Pyongyang this week to release two U.S. journalists (read: spies) from captivity and setting them free from hard labour and dancing in the streets with large colourful ribbons. As this was going on, Hillary Clinton was in Africa scouting for players for the English cricket team and attempting to set free any citizens who had any blood ties with any Englishman in history....ever! She found one in Trott, who is DNA-linked with a 380 year old bat that once lived in a cave in Dover. Good enough for the ECB, good enough for me.
Big Test this week....BIG! Everything is on the line in what will be the best Test played in the last 4 years. Guaranteed. Look out for loads of runs and loads of spin. Also look out for Clark tearing the Poms a new one :)
Monday, August 3, 2009
3rd Test - Day 5
Has the worm turned? Is this the change the Aussies have been waiting for? Is this where the Ashes start to come home to its rightful home downunder?
Yes, Australia has come good at the right time of the Ashes. Just when your Direktor was going to call for the heads of Hussey and North they decided to save face and do what they're in the team to do...make runs and keep an end. It'll be a disappointment for whomever the selectors decide to drop to make way for Clarke at Headingley, but my money is on Siddle at the moment. The big unit needs a rest and Clarke needs a roll of the arm. The amount of swing that seems to be coming from these Duke balls will have the tall streak of pelican shit salivating for the new cherry. God bless him!
All in all it's been a reasonably good game. A little boring in parts due to the 'rest day', but good to see both sets of players finally having a good old sledge at each other. Where has the anger been hiding? There's nothing better than seeing batsman and bowler giving it a bit of lip in the centre. The series has been screaming out for it...and it's been gooooood.
It's also good to see the Poms' faces drop like a sledge hammer throughout the day. You could really see they thought they could pull this one off this morning with The Quitter in fine fettle of late. But alas, it was not meant to be. The only highlight, apart from North and Clarke's batting prowess, was Pamela's catch in gully. Brilliant!!!
So on to Headingley and a series that's open for the taking. England need a win to seal victory. Australia need a win to take it to the final Test at The Oval. Who will win? Who will take the honours? Will Rudi be playing for England again???
Yes, Australia has come good at the right time of the Ashes. Just when your Direktor was going to call for the heads of Hussey and North they decided to save face and do what they're in the team to do...make runs and keep an end. It'll be a disappointment for whomever the selectors decide to drop to make way for Clarke at Headingley, but my money is on Siddle at the moment. The big unit needs a rest and Clarke needs a roll of the arm. The amount of swing that seems to be coming from these Duke balls will have the tall streak of pelican shit salivating for the new cherry. God bless him!
All in all it's been a reasonably good game. A little boring in parts due to the 'rest day', but good to see both sets of players finally having a good old sledge at each other. Where has the anger been hiding? There's nothing better than seeing batsman and bowler giving it a bit of lip in the centre. The series has been screaming out for it...and it's been gooooood.
It's also good to see the Poms' faces drop like a sledge hammer throughout the day. You could really see they thought they could pull this one off this morning with The Quitter in fine fettle of late. But alas, it was not meant to be. The only highlight, apart from North and Clarke's batting prowess, was Pamela's catch in gully. Brilliant!!!
So on to Headingley and a series that's open for the taking. England need a win to seal victory. Australia need a win to take it to the final Test at The Oval. Who will win? Who will take the honours? Will Rudi be playing for England again???
Be there for what is going to be THE best Test of the series. I'm sure of.
Pammmmm.....OUT! See ya mortals.
Pammmmm.....OUT! See ya mortals.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
3rd Test, Day 3
I canceled a dinner and a house party tonight to ensure I stayed home glued to the rivetting Ashes Test series. Sooooooooo, rivetting! I've actually ordered an eight ball of cocaine from a mate of mine in Thailand as this series is really beginning to become a complete dose of Xanax, which I've already swallowed. I'm actually typing on 4 screens as I #@*$ $()#()
Australia came out on the field this morning for their warm-up brimming with confidence. Unfortunately, that confidence turns out to be the fact they get lunch packs delivered to their dressing rooms and they can each swap stuff with each other. Bless em! Kitten Hughes was most chuffed dancing between kit coffins and singing a merry rainy tune. Bless him!
England and their supporters decided that given they couldn't watch the cricket today they would act like any other typical English sports fan, remove their clothes and club ties and riot through the city of Birmingham, raping, pillaging and stealing. The Birmingham City Council reported it was the quietest night since 1993's bombing of Old Compton Road in London.
What?
Good luck mortals. Remember, your wife is the living evil sent down from the alien Mother Ship. Stand up for yourselves!!!
Let's play 5050 for the last 2 days. Wheeeeeee...........
Australia came out on the field this morning for their warm-up brimming with confidence. Unfortunately, that confidence turns out to be the fact they get lunch packs delivered to their dressing rooms and they can each swap stuff with each other. Bless em! Kitten Hughes was most chuffed dancing between kit coffins and singing a merry rainy tune. Bless him!
England and their supporters decided that given they couldn't watch the cricket today they would act like any other typical English sports fan, remove their clothes and club ties and riot through the city of Birmingham, raping, pillaging and stealing. The Birmingham City Council reported it was the quietest night since 1993's bombing of Old Compton Road in London.
What?
Good luck mortals. Remember, your wife is the living evil sent down from the alien Mother Ship. Stand up for yourselves!!!
Let's play 5050 for the last 2 days. Wheeeeeee...........
Friday, July 31, 2009
3rd Test, Day 2
Following the Air France disaster last month, Airbus released a statement overnight encouraging all airlines operating the A330 to ensure they change the plane's navigational systems as soon as possible. The ACB released a statement shortly afterwards requesting said systems be delivered to the Australian dressing rooms for instant installation as the Australian batters had no idea today of flight, speed or direction.
Onions and Anderson had the Ozzies at 6's and 7's in the 1st session of the 2nd day, which almost equated to the strike rate of each Ozzie batsman. Onions' 1st two deliveries were spectacular followed up by Anderson's swing, which was moving both ways superbly. England could not have asked for a better start to this test following a rain-soaked 1st day.
Ponting, Hussey, Clarke & North all failed dismally and should be taken out the back of the sheds and shot...twice! Manou is no Haddin. And Johnson should be playing soccer. He superbly stopped that little ball hitting his stumps though...unfortunately he should have used his bat. Idiot!
Cook decided to play like Hussey at the start of England's first dig by racking up a big, fat donut. Bopara failed again. Surely the selectors would be looking at a change soon. He's just not up to Test level standard.
Your Direcktor would like to state that Rudi Koertzen should be sacked RIGHT NOW and never to umpire a game of cricket again! This is just becoming farcical. He is making the Ashes an absolute joke and quite frankly displaying favouritism to the home side. He gave Clarke out, which wasn't out, then saved Bell with quite possibly the plumbest of all plumb LBW's. This, following the terrible decisions in the 2nd Test that may have cost Australia the game.
Shame Koertzen, shame!!!
On a brighter note, Queen Kev wasn't spotted all day. Sigh! It's so nice not to have his surly looking dome burning holes on my plasma screen.
Getcha raincoats out for the 3rd day...I think you'll need them :)
Onions and Anderson had the Ozzies at 6's and 7's in the 1st session of the 2nd day, which almost equated to the strike rate of each Ozzie batsman. Onions' 1st two deliveries were spectacular followed up by Anderson's swing, which was moving both ways superbly. England could not have asked for a better start to this test following a rain-soaked 1st day.
Ponting, Hussey, Clarke & North all failed dismally and should be taken out the back of the sheds and shot...twice! Manou is no Haddin. And Johnson should be playing soccer. He superbly stopped that little ball hitting his stumps though...unfortunately he should have used his bat. Idiot!
Cook decided to play like Hussey at the start of England's first dig by racking up a big, fat donut. Bopara failed again. Surely the selectors would be looking at a change soon. He's just not up to Test level standard.
Your Direcktor would like to state that Rudi Koertzen should be sacked RIGHT NOW and never to umpire a game of cricket again! This is just becoming farcical. He is making the Ashes an absolute joke and quite frankly displaying favouritism to the home side. He gave Clarke out, which wasn't out, then saved Bell with quite possibly the plumbest of all plumb LBW's. This, following the terrible decisions in the 2nd Test that may have cost Australia the game.
Shame Koertzen, shame!!!
On a brighter note, Queen Kev wasn't spotted all day. Sigh! It's so nice not to have his surly looking dome burning holes on my plasma screen.
Getcha raincoats out for the 3rd day...I think you'll need them :)
Thursday, July 30, 2009
3rd Test - Day 1
Here comes the Sun, da de da da
Here comes the Sun, and I say...
It's alright, de da da dum dum dum da da da da da da da
Little darlin', it's been a long, long lonely winter...
Yes...the Beatles sung about it and the fans cried out for it...and finally it appeared. The English summer hit full tilt (tonight) with the Sun revealing itselft at 7pm GMT. No wonder the Poms are a miserable old lot. Imagine having to live your life in a perpetual state of grey (read: Pommy skin tone). 'The Quitter' opened the bowling and began a staring match with the opening Ozzie pair. It was all a little homo-erotic in nature for me, which made watching it a little uncomfortable. Quitter got absolutely nowhere and Blackadder immediately replaced him with the smelly 'Baldrick' Onions, who immediately got into the match by being karted for two fours by Shane 'The Tank' Watson. Nice one Balders.
It has been designed...the great Don "Ricky" Corleone has bestowed great favours upon us all & one day he will call upon us to do him a favour. The Don has given us something much greater than Samson & Delilah, greater than Fred & Ginger, greater than Major Nelson & Jeanie, Fred & Barnie, Napoleon & Josephine, Ren & Stimpy or Warnie & his drug dispensing mum. Don Ricky has given us a new meaning to cricket with the addtion of 'The Tank', who has come into the side in place of 'The Kitten', who was unfairly roughed up by the mean Pommy bowlers and is now doing 10 to 20 in the nets.
Meanwhile the ECB confirmed that Pietersen has no friends.
The Poms this week also signed up 'The Sherminator' Bell for the rest of the Ashes. 'The Flower' said it was great for the team to have a player offering to join in occasionally after standing out on the ground for 5 years watching. Your Direktor notes that he quite nicely fills a gap left by the Queen, who too, stood out on the ground and did nothing but pick lint from his belly button and apply lippy as required.
Your Direktor noted today that the ICC has AGAIN nominated Rudi 'The C*#t' Koertzen to officiate over another Ashes Test. Have these people gone as stark raving mad as the FINA representatives and decided not to make any decision on anything too critical until sometime in 2010??? The ICC Umpires Code of Conduct and the Rules & Regulations Committeee stipulate that an umpire must retire at the age of 55 years...or...when you're a complete twat. Whichever comes first. Given Rudi's over this age limit and is undoubtedly a twat...why on God's green Earth is he still appearing on my 50" Plazma screen? God give me strength.
Your Direktor also noted that the world swimming championships are currently being held in a puddle in Europe that actually has sunshine beating down on it. Many former East German champions, both male & male, have contacted Your Direktor asking why, "if it is taken internally, it is cheating...wear it externally and it is technological progress"? True dat! Helmut Johan Kurt Brinkerhoff of the former DDR female shot put team has a point. Woof!
Finally, the Taliban issued a statement today condemning the Ashes Series and it's flagrant advertisement of alcohol consumption, scantily clad women and absolute fun. Your Direktor would like to retort by saying:
You are my Sunshine
My only Sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey......
See ya mortals. Enjoy the 2nd days coverage, if any :)
Here comes the Sun, and I say...
It's alright, de da da dum dum dum da da da da da da da
Little darlin', it's been a long, long lonely winter...
Yes...the Beatles sung about it and the fans cried out for it...and finally it appeared. The English summer hit full tilt (tonight) with the Sun revealing itselft at 7pm GMT. No wonder the Poms are a miserable old lot. Imagine having to live your life in a perpetual state of grey (read: Pommy skin tone). 'The Quitter' opened the bowling and began a staring match with the opening Ozzie pair. It was all a little homo-erotic in nature for me, which made watching it a little uncomfortable. Quitter got absolutely nowhere and Blackadder immediately replaced him with the smelly 'Baldrick' Onions, who immediately got into the match by being karted for two fours by Shane 'The Tank' Watson. Nice one Balders.
It has been designed...the great Don "Ricky" Corleone has bestowed great favours upon us all & one day he will call upon us to do him a favour. The Don has given us something much greater than Samson & Delilah, greater than Fred & Ginger, greater than Major Nelson & Jeanie, Fred & Barnie, Napoleon & Josephine, Ren & Stimpy or Warnie & his drug dispensing mum. Don Ricky has given us a new meaning to cricket with the addtion of 'The Tank', who has come into the side in place of 'The Kitten', who was unfairly roughed up by the mean Pommy bowlers and is now doing 10 to 20 in the nets.
Meanwhile the ECB confirmed that Pietersen has no friends.
The Poms this week also signed up 'The Sherminator' Bell for the rest of the Ashes. 'The Flower' said it was great for the team to have a player offering to join in occasionally after standing out on the ground for 5 years watching. Your Direktor notes that he quite nicely fills a gap left by the Queen, who too, stood out on the ground and did nothing but pick lint from his belly button and apply lippy as required.
Your Direktor noted today that the ICC has AGAIN nominated Rudi 'The C*#t' Koertzen to officiate over another Ashes Test. Have these people gone as stark raving mad as the FINA representatives and decided not to make any decision on anything too critical until sometime in 2010??? The ICC Umpires Code of Conduct and the Rules & Regulations Committeee stipulate that an umpire must retire at the age of 55 years...or...when you're a complete twat. Whichever comes first. Given Rudi's over this age limit and is undoubtedly a twat...why on God's green Earth is he still appearing on my 50" Plazma screen? God give me strength.
Your Direktor also noted that the world swimming championships are currently being held in a puddle in Europe that actually has sunshine beating down on it. Many former East German champions, both male & male, have contacted Your Direktor asking why, "if it is taken internally, it is cheating...wear it externally and it is technological progress"? True dat! Helmut Johan Kurt Brinkerhoff of the former DDR female shot put team has a point. Woof!
Finally, the Taliban issued a statement today condemning the Ashes Series and it's flagrant advertisement of alcohol consumption, scantily clad women and absolute fun. Your Direktor would like to retort by saying:
You are my Sunshine
My only Sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey......
See ya mortals. Enjoy the 2nd days coverage, if any :)
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
3rd Test - Preview
The Queen is dead!
Long live the King!!!
Yes, media reports have been abound that Queen Kev has been afflicted by the dreaded pox and will be unable to ponce about and do nothing in the field (as is his want). Blackadder Strauss stated that the Queen's infectious persona will be sadly missed but the team are looking forward to his oozing charm in the sheds after he's removed from the drip. Blackadder added that there was enough disease going around as it is, what with SARS, Swine Flu, Dengue, Spanish flu, Black Plague et al, thanks to England's liberal, transitory immigration policy. Go England!
Speaking of long English ancestry's, Bopara's lineage, which dates back to the 70's (1970's), is on the line this week. 'The Raj' hasn't performed too well this Ashes series and now with Queen Kev riddled with the unmentionable he needs to pull up his kurta, adjust his sandles and start getting a few curries on the board (Get it? Curries? Runs....no??? Come on people, work with me here!!!)
Ian 'The Sherminator" Bell is back in the fold for this Test after he found out that Lord Warne won't be playing and therefore he wouldn't have to cry on international telly again. Since his fall from grace after being absolutely humiliated in Australia with the rest of his team in 2007, The Sherminator is full of positive thinking now (as he tells everyone), not to mention full of peroxide highlights in his straw-like hair. Me thinks the pressure will still be too great for the little one and he'll crumble under a hail of Siddle.
Long live the King!!!
Yes, media reports have been abound that Queen Kev has been afflicted by the dreaded pox and will be unable to ponce about and do nothing in the field (as is his want). Blackadder Strauss stated that the Queen's infectious persona will be sadly missed but the team are looking forward to his oozing charm in the sheds after he's removed from the drip. Blackadder added that there was enough disease going around as it is, what with SARS, Swine Flu, Dengue, Spanish flu, Black Plague et al, thanks to England's liberal, transitory immigration policy. Go England!
Speaking of long English ancestry's, Bopara's lineage, which dates back to the 70's (1970's), is on the line this week. 'The Raj' hasn't performed too well this Ashes series and now with Queen Kev riddled with the unmentionable he needs to pull up his kurta, adjust his sandles and start getting a few curries on the board (Get it? Curries? Runs....no??? Come on people, work with me here!!!)
Ian 'The Sherminator" Bell is back in the fold for this Test after he found out that Lord Warne won't be playing and therefore he wouldn't have to cry on international telly again. Since his fall from grace after being absolutely humiliated in Australia with the rest of his team in 2007, The Sherminator is full of positive thinking now (as he tells everyone), not to mention full of peroxide highlights in his straw-like hair. Me thinks the pressure will still be too great for the little one and he'll crumble under a hail of Siddle.
'The Prince' Johnson and 'The Kitten' Hughes also have much to prove to the Australian selectors this Test having not performed AT ALL in the first two Tests. Never have two players gotten off to more of a poor start since Gatting and Atherton tried to bat against The Lord in 1993. These two kids really need to stop suckling from their Mothers teat, take off the bibs and get down to business. This is big boy cricket now and they need to perform or the selectors will bring back Justin Langer, who has come out recently and said he wants to play for Australia again, and Trevor Chappell, who said he knows how to deal with the non-bounce of the Edgbaston pitch.
So here we are brothers...on the eve of the 3rd Test. A must win for Australia or a nail in the Ozzie coffin on behalf of the Poms. Which will it be?
Stay tuned and enjoy the telecast. I know I will be. I will be wearing my Axe deodorant, eating my Cadbury's chocolate after getting off my Yamaha motorbike and slamming down an LMN lemon drink. (those watching the India broadcast will know what I mean) :)
Monday, July 20, 2009
2nd Test - Day 5
Freddie came.
Freddie saw.
Freddie conquered.
The oldest 28 year old in the world pushed his broken down body to the limit to rattle the flacid tail of the Australian batting line up. With the English fraternity's collective bottoms all puckering up over-night with the thoughts of a possible Ozzie fight back, all best plans were laid to rest when "The Quitter" took hold of the cherry and let it go like an Exocet missile at the hapless batters. There was nothing anyone could do to combat the extraordinary effort he put in in the morning's session. Congratulations Quitter! Great effort!
To all my Pommy 'mates' who very nicely emailed and sms'd me your encouraging words of luck ... I'd like to thank you all kindly. It means a lot to me to know that I'm in your thoughts even on the weekends when it's your family time. I'm sure your wives were all doing the same.
So it's on to the 3rd Test at Edgbaston. England will go into the game on a fabulous high. Australia will look to get Johnson some target practice in their 3 day game this coming Friday because if he's not back in form by the next Test, there are two extremely good bowlers in Lee and Clarke champing at the bit in the sheds itching to get at the throats of the Poms.
Enjoy the next couple of weeks mortals. Don't get too cocky in the meantime. There's still 3 Tests to go. Oh, and please make sure to write a comment below so I know you're thinking of me :)
Freddie saw.
Freddie conquered.
The oldest 28 year old in the world pushed his broken down body to the limit to rattle the flacid tail of the Australian batting line up. With the English fraternity's collective bottoms all puckering up over-night with the thoughts of a possible Ozzie fight back, all best plans were laid to rest when "The Quitter" took hold of the cherry and let it go like an Exocet missile at the hapless batters. There was nothing anyone could do to combat the extraordinary effort he put in in the morning's session. Congratulations Quitter! Great effort!
To all my Pommy 'mates' who very nicely emailed and sms'd me your encouraging words of luck ... I'd like to thank you all kindly. It means a lot to me to know that I'm in your thoughts even on the weekends when it's your family time. I'm sure your wives were all doing the same.
So it's on to the 3rd Test at Edgbaston. England will go into the game on a fabulous high. Australia will look to get Johnson some target practice in their 3 day game this coming Friday because if he's not back in form by the next Test, there are two extremely good bowlers in Lee and Clarke champing at the bit in the sheds itching to get at the throats of the Poms.
Enjoy the next couple of weeks mortals. Don't get too cocky in the meantime. There's still 3 Tests to go. Oh, and please make sure to write a comment below so I know you're thinking of me :)
Sunday, July 19, 2009
2nd Test - Day 4
England came out of the sheds today having declared with a lead of 522 runs and looked like a well-oiled machine. Barring a natural disaster or a major terrorist attack, or Australia deciding to "pull an England" (read: playing to draw), this one looks like it's going to be a very, very good win to the pastey Poms. Blackadder's troops have all played extremely well and are deserved of notching up an Ashes win at the home of cricket, which has escaped them for the last 75 years. We have to wait and see.
Now...once AGAIN the topic of the atrocious umpiring has been called into question. It is just PATHETIC that in an Ashes series the players have to endure fucking terrible umpiring decisions by supposedly professional, experienced and non-biased umpires. Having called for a referral yesterday on Hauritz's catch and overturning the decision to give Collingwood out, today the Ozzies had to see these two fucking idiots giving Hughes out caught to one that clearly hit the ground. How can they refer one catch one day and then not refer the alleged catch that Strauss didn't take??? On top of that, Katich suffered the idignity of having to walk back to the sheds after being caught off a no ball. Then later, Hussey is given caught in slip off Swann and he didn't even hit it. UN-BE-FUCKIN-LIEVABLE!!!
Now, those of you who actually play cricket will know what a bitter pill it is to swallow when the umpires give a poor decision but to give so many at a vital juncture of the game is appalling. It's just nonsense! I am not being biased towards Australia here at all. I just want to vent my spleen over the sheer ineptitude of these umpires and their game-ruining decisions. They are decisions that turn a game the wrong way. Had these three top order players not been wrongly adjuged out, there might just have been a chance for Australia to bat the day out without being so many wickets down, post in excess of 300, and look forward to a chance on the last day as England successfully did in Cardiff. Now we will never know given this pitiful display. Bad luck Australia. Truly.
Make no mistake, I'm not taking anything away from the Poms here. Blackadder has outwitted, outlasted and outplayed Ponting in this Test bolting out of the gate from the first ball on Day 1. He should be commended. As should his team mates.
Well done to "heir to the throne", Clarke, who made an excellent century today. Also, to Ned Eckersley, England's 32nd 12th man, who made an appearance today. I just think this whole 12th man malarky is pure, unadulterated, cheating! WTF!?!?
Let's see what Day 5 holds in store. Could we see an Ozzie fightback the likes of which Collingwood, Monty and Pamela conjured up in Cardiff. Or will it all fall apart come the morning? Stay tuned for a humdinger of a finish or a total collapse. I'm rooting for the Legends to pull off a dramatic last over win :)
Now...once AGAIN the topic of the atrocious umpiring has been called into question. It is just PATHETIC that in an Ashes series the players have to endure fucking terrible umpiring decisions by supposedly professional, experienced and non-biased umpires. Having called for a referral yesterday on Hauritz's catch and overturning the decision to give Collingwood out, today the Ozzies had to see these two fucking idiots giving Hughes out caught to one that clearly hit the ground. How can they refer one catch one day and then not refer the alleged catch that Strauss didn't take??? On top of that, Katich suffered the idignity of having to walk back to the sheds after being caught off a no ball. Then later, Hussey is given caught in slip off Swann and he didn't even hit it. UN-BE-FUCKIN-LIEVABLE!!!
Now, those of you who actually play cricket will know what a bitter pill it is to swallow when the umpires give a poor decision but to give so many at a vital juncture of the game is appalling. It's just nonsense! I am not being biased towards Australia here at all. I just want to vent my spleen over the sheer ineptitude of these umpires and their game-ruining decisions. They are decisions that turn a game the wrong way. Had these three top order players not been wrongly adjuged out, there might just have been a chance for Australia to bat the day out without being so many wickets down, post in excess of 300, and look forward to a chance on the last day as England successfully did in Cardiff. Now we will never know given this pitiful display. Bad luck Australia. Truly.
Make no mistake, I'm not taking anything away from the Poms here. Blackadder has outwitted, outlasted and outplayed Ponting in this Test bolting out of the gate from the first ball on Day 1. He should be commended. As should his team mates.
Well done to "heir to the throne", Clarke, who made an excellent century today. Also, to Ned Eckersley, England's 32nd 12th man, who made an appearance today. I just think this whole 12th man malarky is pure, unadulterated, cheating! WTF!?!?
Let's see what Day 5 holds in store. Could we see an Ozzie fightback the likes of which Collingwood, Monty and Pamela conjured up in Cardiff. Or will it all fall apart come the morning? Stay tuned for a humdinger of a finish or a total collapse. I'm rooting for the Legends to pull off a dramatic last over win :)
2nd Test - Day 3
England - good
Australia - bad
No blog today as your Director had 10 too many Jaeger bombs watching the Bledisloe Cup. Sounds like I didn't miss much except watching the surprise on the English players faces knowing they actually may not be playing for draw in a Test match.
Yay for the pimply faced Poms! Bless em! :)
Australia - bad
No blog today as your Director had 10 too many Jaeger bombs watching the Bledisloe Cup. Sounds like I didn't miss much except watching the surprise on the English players faces knowing they actually may not be playing for draw in a Test match.
Yay for the pimply faced Poms! Bless em! :)
Friday, July 17, 2009
2nd Test - Day 2
Turning on the idiot box to watch the day's Test cricket your Director was instead 'entertained' by a session of keystone cops-like comedy instead. England decided again to make no runs early doors and lose cheap wickets instead of vice versa; the tail wagged harder than a Jack Russell's on speed; and the umpiring was again called into question with a woeful decision by Jaapie Koertzen. Thank God for the English summer...both sides took the opportunity to regroup, have a laugh and wonder 'what if'.
Your Director would like to acknowledge a fine dig by Blackadder, who plundered the Ozzie bowlers (not today). In hindsight though making only 225 runs for 9 wickets is fairly pathetic after having put on 196 for the opening stand. Blackadder will no doubt still be seething with the capitulation of his middle order although "Baldrick" Onions and "Pamela" Anderson managed to step back, across, scratch around and thrash a bat around to get a handy 40 odd.
Back to all these appalling decisions being made by the umpires of late. Is it a case that these elderly umpires are just too senile, blind, deaf or dumb to be missing such obvious decisions in crucial games or is it that they just don't want to be out in the middle for a whole 5 days?!? The Ashes is perhaps the greatest rivalry of two countries/teams in the world and to have umpires the likes of Jaapie and "Splifter" Doctrove officiating is unfair to both teams. Why isn't the ICC's No.1 umpire, Simon Taufel, or Billy Bowden umpiring??? Surely they're professional enough to be unbiased. This is the calibre of umpire the game needs...young, knowledgable, fit and with 20:20 vision. This Ashes series deserve it! Nay, WE deserve it!
Poor Phillip "Kitten" Hughes has had no luck whatsoever on this tour. Having so far only batted twice he is a long way from being anywhere near where he was during the Ozzie summer and his stint in County. The occasion has clearly gotten the better of him and he's no doubt wishing GBH was bowling against him as he always knew where Harm was going to pitch and aim the ball (read: at his head).
Your Director still thinks the English bowling attack is lacking something.....ummmmm, yes, masculinity!?! Even though the Ozzie batters have all thrown away their wickets today (except Hussey's - brilliant from Freddie) it still appears that with man-child "Choirboy" Broad, who looks like he would be more comfortable wearing a tutu rather than cricket whites, Pamela, who is really a better batsman than a bowler, and Baldrick, who's run up is probably 2/3rd's more than it should be, the English attack seems more like a Sunday knitting circle than an actual 'attack'. I know the Ozzie wickets fell but no one really steams in per se with their ears pinned back and nostrils flaring. They more prance than steam with their little white faces and rosy pink cheeks glowing under the grey English sun. Thank God for Freddie "The Quitter" Flintoff playing in this Test or there'd be not a drop of testosterone in the English team when they take to the field. My Chihuahua has more balls than the English bowling line up and she's a bitch!
And speaking of having no balls...The Queen attended today's play only to see the 'Queen' leave the field to re-apply his makeup. Good thing too. It gave Englands 23rd man a run in the field. What's with that anyway? Does England have a squad of 45 players to choose from??? For God's sake, stick to the rules and play with 12 men as the law stipulates! It's just pathetic...
So on to a new day and if you're Australian and reading this, what a bumper sports day in store. The 1st game of the Bledisloe Cup begins 3 hours before the 3rd day's play. And if you're an AFL supporter you have the mighty Hawks playing Collingwood in a belter at the 'G'. Go you Hawkies.
Your Director would like to acknowledge a fine dig by Blackadder, who plundered the Ozzie bowlers (not today). In hindsight though making only 225 runs for 9 wickets is fairly pathetic after having put on 196 for the opening stand. Blackadder will no doubt still be seething with the capitulation of his middle order although "Baldrick" Onions and "Pamela" Anderson managed to step back, across, scratch around and thrash a bat around to get a handy 40 odd.
Back to all these appalling decisions being made by the umpires of late. Is it a case that these elderly umpires are just too senile, blind, deaf or dumb to be missing such obvious decisions in crucial games or is it that they just don't want to be out in the middle for a whole 5 days?!? The Ashes is perhaps the greatest rivalry of two countries/teams in the world and to have umpires the likes of Jaapie and "Splifter" Doctrove officiating is unfair to both teams. Why isn't the ICC's No.1 umpire, Simon Taufel, or Billy Bowden umpiring??? Surely they're professional enough to be unbiased. This is the calibre of umpire the game needs...young, knowledgable, fit and with 20:20 vision. This Ashes series deserve it! Nay, WE deserve it!
Poor Phillip "Kitten" Hughes has had no luck whatsoever on this tour. Having so far only batted twice he is a long way from being anywhere near where he was during the Ozzie summer and his stint in County. The occasion has clearly gotten the better of him and he's no doubt wishing GBH was bowling against him as he always knew where Harm was going to pitch and aim the ball (read: at his head).
Your Director still thinks the English bowling attack is lacking something.....ummmmm, yes, masculinity!?! Even though the Ozzie batters have all thrown away their wickets today (except Hussey's - brilliant from Freddie) it still appears that with man-child "Choirboy" Broad, who looks like he would be more comfortable wearing a tutu rather than cricket whites, Pamela, who is really a better batsman than a bowler, and Baldrick, who's run up is probably 2/3rd's more than it should be, the English attack seems more like a Sunday knitting circle than an actual 'attack'. I know the Ozzie wickets fell but no one really steams in per se with their ears pinned back and nostrils flaring. They more prance than steam with their little white faces and rosy pink cheeks glowing under the grey English sun. Thank God for Freddie "The Quitter" Flintoff playing in this Test or there'd be not a drop of testosterone in the English team when they take to the field. My Chihuahua has more balls than the English bowling line up and she's a bitch!
And speaking of having no balls...The Queen attended today's play only to see the 'Queen' leave the field to re-apply his makeup. Good thing too. It gave Englands 23rd man a run in the field. What's with that anyway? Does England have a squad of 45 players to choose from??? For God's sake, stick to the rules and play with 12 men as the law stipulates! It's just pathetic...
So on to a new day and if you're Australian and reading this, what a bumper sports day in store. The 1st game of the Bledisloe Cup begins 3 hours before the 3rd day's play. And if you're an AFL supporter you have the mighty Hawks playing Collingwood in a belter at the 'G'. Go you Hawkies.
Enjoy mortals.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
2nd Test - Day 1
The Flower this week said the English team were inspired to last weeks draw by the 40th anniversary of the first moon landing. The Flower said JFK may have preached that "we choose to go to the moon not because it is easy but because it is hard"...but he had taking the English a step further saying. “We don’t win because we can’t!”
Australia, today, decided against playing like touring sides of yore and took up where England left off in the field in the last Test. Dismally! The effects of trying to bowl out two of the worst batsmen in the world since McGrath retired has clearly affected the Ozzie bowlers so much so that the English top order actually made runs. Lots of em!
Today's play got underway under the dark clouds of a poor decision on the part of the English selectors. The non-selection of "Grievous Bodily" Harm-ison has sent the wrong message from the English team, in your Director's opinion. With the Lord's pitch always quickening up after Day 3, GBH would have been a shoe in to have a few drops of colonial claret spilt on it's hallowed turf.
With the average age of the Lord's blue-rinse set reaching a Pound Stirling cross rate of 120, all eyes turned to Queen Kev who was becoming more rattled in the sheds as the day wore on knowing his time in the middle (read: TV coverage) was being severely compromised by Englands openers. Freddie acted as a support system for Kev during this period soothing the Queen's troubled mind by reinforcing the fact he was "giving up and quitting" at the ripe old age of 28 thereby leaving Kev with greater exposure to the pace-maker'd English supporters and the two viewers around the world who love him.
Kev picked his bottom lip up off the ground and managed a surly snarl to let his team mates know he was ok after Freddies pep-talk, and when Bopara again failed to do anything at all, allowing him to skip to the centre knowing all those beady, English eyes were all focused on HIM...Kev's favourite person on the planet!
The batsmen with the pointiest head in Test cricket, Alastair "pretty-boy" Cook, choked in the mid 90's to a rare straight one from Mitch "The Prince" Johnson. Having bowled every other conceivable ball prior to this wicket, The Prince took pride in managing to let one loose, straight and on a good length, which surprised him, the batsman, the umpire and Hawkeye. Your director heard that in order to keep the Ashes Test as green as possible, the person operating Hawkeye usually turned it off when The Prince bowled as there was 1:1,000,000 chance of having to revert to it for our pundits viewing pleasure.
Blackadder finally conjured up a plan that worked today and set about pissing the Australian team off more than he did with his pathetic delay tactics in Cardiff. His strategy was to make as many runs as he could in the first innings before England lost all their wickets and then set about trying to bowl the Ozzies out. Your Director pointed out to Blackadder that those are in fact the rules and dimensions of the game to which he replied "Oh, I thought all English teams were meant to attempt a draw at all costs"?!?
This one looks like it'll go into Day 5 for sure with England posting a healthy target by late Day 2 and allowing Australia to spend two days catching up. Snore!!! Doncha just miss it when Australia blast away teams on Day 1 and are back in the hotel by close of play on Day 3. These 5 day tests are becoming droll :)
Australia, today, decided against playing like touring sides of yore and took up where England left off in the field in the last Test. Dismally! The effects of trying to bowl out two of the worst batsmen in the world since McGrath retired has clearly affected the Ozzie bowlers so much so that the English top order actually made runs. Lots of em!
Today's play got underway under the dark clouds of a poor decision on the part of the English selectors. The non-selection of "Grievous Bodily" Harm-ison has sent the wrong message from the English team, in your Director's opinion. With the Lord's pitch always quickening up after Day 3, GBH would have been a shoe in to have a few drops of colonial claret spilt on it's hallowed turf.
With the average age of the Lord's blue-rinse set reaching a Pound Stirling cross rate of 120, all eyes turned to Queen Kev who was becoming more rattled in the sheds as the day wore on knowing his time in the middle (read: TV coverage) was being severely compromised by Englands openers. Freddie acted as a support system for Kev during this period soothing the Queen's troubled mind by reinforcing the fact he was "giving up and quitting" at the ripe old age of 28 thereby leaving Kev with greater exposure to the pace-maker'd English supporters and the two viewers around the world who love him.
Kev picked his bottom lip up off the ground and managed a surly snarl to let his team mates know he was ok after Freddies pep-talk, and when Bopara again failed to do anything at all, allowing him to skip to the centre knowing all those beady, English eyes were all focused on HIM...Kev's favourite person on the planet!
The batsmen with the pointiest head in Test cricket, Alastair "pretty-boy" Cook, choked in the mid 90's to a rare straight one from Mitch "The Prince" Johnson. Having bowled every other conceivable ball prior to this wicket, The Prince took pride in managing to let one loose, straight and on a good length, which surprised him, the batsman, the umpire and Hawkeye. Your director heard that in order to keep the Ashes Test as green as possible, the person operating Hawkeye usually turned it off when The Prince bowled as there was 1:1,000,000 chance of having to revert to it for our pundits viewing pleasure.
Blackadder finally conjured up a plan that worked today and set about pissing the Australian team off more than he did with his pathetic delay tactics in Cardiff. His strategy was to make as many runs as he could in the first innings before England lost all their wickets and then set about trying to bowl the Ozzies out. Your Director pointed out to Blackadder that those are in fact the rules and dimensions of the game to which he replied "Oh, I thought all English teams were meant to attempt a draw at all costs"?!?
This one looks like it'll go into Day 5 for sure with England posting a healthy target by late Day 2 and allowing Australia to spend two days catching up. Snore!!! Doncha just miss it when Australia blast away teams on Day 1 and are back in the hotel by close of play on Day 3. These 5 day tests are becoming droll :)
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
2nd Test - preview
'Twas the Night Before Ashes
when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a Strauss.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St Harmie soon would be there.
The players were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of wickets danced in their heads. And Panesar in his 'kerchief, and Kev in his cap, had just settled our brains for a long summer's nap.
When out on the roof there arose such a clatter, Kev sprang from his bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window Kev flew like a flash, tore open the shutter, and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow gave the lustre of midday to objects below, when, what to his wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh and 10 pimply players.
With a little old driver, so lively and barmy, Kev knew in a moment it must be St. Harmie. More rapid than eagles, his courses they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Blackadder! Now Kev! Now, Monty and Anderson! On, Cook! On, Broad! On, Swann and Blitzen (?)! To the top of the pitch! To the top of the wall! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an Ozzie, mount to the sky, so up to the house-top the courses they flew,with the sleigh full of gear, and St. Harmie too.
And then, in a twinkling, Kev heard on the roof the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. As Kev drew in his head and was turning around, down the chimney St. Harmie came with a bound.
He was dressed all in white, from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished not sparkling and bright. A bundle of bats he had flung on his back, and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes--how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the mo on his lip was white from the blow. The glass from his crack pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath. He had a broad face and a little round belly, that shook when he bowled, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, and Kev giggled when he saw him, in spite of himself. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave Kev to know he had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk. And laying his finger aside of his nose, he laid out a line and gave it some dose.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But Kev heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight, "Happy Ashes to all, and to all a good fight!"
You director would like to point out that King Ricky is no longer in mourning and will be out to inflict as much damage on the bowling attack as he can. However, Phil Hughes has decided to reinforce his helmet with Iraq War-approved kevlar in case Franken-Harmie is included in the starting 11.
Game on!!!
when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a Strauss.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St Harmie soon would be there.
The players were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of wickets danced in their heads. And Panesar in his 'kerchief, and Kev in his cap, had just settled our brains for a long summer's nap.
When out on the roof there arose such a clatter, Kev sprang from his bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window Kev flew like a flash, tore open the shutter, and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow gave the lustre of midday to objects below, when, what to his wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh and 10 pimply players.
With a little old driver, so lively and barmy, Kev knew in a moment it must be St. Harmie. More rapid than eagles, his courses they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Blackadder! Now Kev! Now, Monty and Anderson! On, Cook! On, Broad! On, Swann and Blitzen (?)! To the top of the pitch! To the top of the wall! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an Ozzie, mount to the sky, so up to the house-top the courses they flew,with the sleigh full of gear, and St. Harmie too.
And then, in a twinkling, Kev heard on the roof the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. As Kev drew in his head and was turning around, down the chimney St. Harmie came with a bound.
He was dressed all in white, from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished not sparkling and bright. A bundle of bats he had flung on his back, and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes--how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the mo on his lip was white from the blow. The glass from his crack pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath. He had a broad face and a little round belly, that shook when he bowled, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, and Kev giggled when he saw him, in spite of himself. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave Kev to know he had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk. And laying his finger aside of his nose, he laid out a line and gave it some dose.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But Kev heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight, "Happy Ashes to all, and to all a good fight!"
You director would like to point out that King Ricky is no longer in mourning and will be out to inflict as much damage on the bowling attack as he can. However, Phil Hughes has decided to reinforce his helmet with Iraq War-approved kevlar in case Franken-Harmie is included in the starting 11.
Game on!!!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
1st Test - End of Game (Physio-gate)
1st Ashes Test - wash up
Well...what a Test match!?! Unbelievable game of tactics and batting from both sides truly showed what the Ashes means to both teams.
However...(read: venting spleen)
Your Director would like to point out that the inexplicable cynicism displayed by Levi "Blackadder" Strauss and his conniving plan to slow play soured what was ultimately a fantastic Test match. By sending on the physio and the 15th man (remember the Gary Pratt fiasco of 2005) to put the brakes on the Australian team's focus on securing that last wicket, highlighted a severe lack of form from Blackadder and exposed his immaturity to be England's captain. Haven't the ECB learnt from their mistakes when last they appointed a South African as captain!??!? Blackadder managed to successfully tarnish the fabric of the game and the spirit in which it should be played by this rash brain snap...the likes of which were managed by Queen Kev in both innings, and to then suggest his actions were honorable fell on deaf ears the world over (by both English and Aussie fans).
Sure, England narrowly escapted defeat...but one must remember that Australia nearly bowled England out twice whereas England could only muster 6 enemy wickets in the whole of the first innings. Poor bowling display by Australia, as has been suggested? I think not!
So, we're now on to the 2nd Test at the home of cricket. One of the most spectacular venues on the planet to watch God's game. The Barmy Army will still be in fine fettle after the Great Escape and the Australian Fan-attics will be out in force, which will lend itself to a more intense atmosphere given the crowd capacity in Cardiff was a little shy of a recession-busting 223 people and Lord's holds in excess of 30,000.
Well...what a Test match!?! Unbelievable game of tactics and batting from both sides truly showed what the Ashes means to both teams.
However...(read: venting spleen)
Your Director would like to point out that the inexplicable cynicism displayed by Levi "Blackadder" Strauss and his conniving plan to slow play soured what was ultimately a fantastic Test match. By sending on the physio and the 15th man (remember the Gary Pratt fiasco of 2005) to put the brakes on the Australian team's focus on securing that last wicket, highlighted a severe lack of form from Blackadder and exposed his immaturity to be England's captain. Haven't the ECB learnt from their mistakes when last they appointed a South African as captain!??!? Blackadder managed to successfully tarnish the fabric of the game and the spirit in which it should be played by this rash brain snap...the likes of which were managed by Queen Kev in both innings, and to then suggest his actions were honorable fell on deaf ears the world over (by both English and Aussie fans).
Sure, England narrowly escapted defeat...but one must remember that Australia nearly bowled England out twice whereas England could only muster 6 enemy wickets in the whole of the first innings. Poor bowling display by Australia, as has been suggested? I think not!
So, we're now on to the 2nd Test at the home of cricket. One of the most spectacular venues on the planet to watch God's game. The Barmy Army will still be in fine fettle after the Great Escape and the Australian Fan-attics will be out in force, which will lend itself to a more intense atmosphere given the crowd capacity in Cardiff was a little shy of a recession-busting 223 people and Lord's holds in excess of 30,000.
To each side, and those who follow, we cricket lovers here in Asia will be detoxing heavily in the build up to Thursday's start knowing full well that livers will be saturated by weekend's end. If you are rugby supporters, the usual 6pm start will be 3 hours earlier with the first game of the Bledisloe starting at 3:30pm. Your Director can only say...hiccup! OUCH!!!
Until Thursday mortals...
Pammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
1st Test - Day 2
Day 2 – Ashes
Lifeless wicket still
Lifeless crowd still
Better umpiring although Doctrove has clearly taken lessons from his West Indian compatriate
Little Welsh talent today
Too much camera coverage of that pittiful ex-England captain
The Poms can sing Delilah to their hearts content … Swan is STILL not a spinners arsehole!!!
For all the verbal diarohea the parochial commentary has gushed forth regarding Hauritz’s inept spin ability (he’s the ONLY bowler to have spun the ball and gotten wickets), the English are at sixes and sevens to remedy a steadfast Aussie batting line up. If I was Swan, I’d decide to change to left-arm Chinaman because he’s getting no turn whatsoever and in no way is befuddling the Aussie batsmen!!! (Ponting, please have my baby!) In fact, Swan’s Mother does better turning a trick on a cold night in Swansea.
Monty, bless his soul, is still as useless as tits on a bull. He’s still seeking assurance and acceptance from a team of individuals, who no more want him on their team as wanting your smelly mate turn up to your first threesome in college with two horny Czech exchange students. Hmmmmmmmm…..Czech women :)
The only joy about today’s play, apart from the sensible, structured batting from the Australian team … and Freddie … is the fact that the ‘one-eyed’ English commentary (Hussein, Gower & Beefy (read Twat)) has progressively become more quiet as the day rolled on. Thank God for a West Indian legend filling the gap and adding some sensible discourse through clouds of splifter smoke. Where’s Richie when you need him?!?
Turning to Day 3…I see much of the same with an India-like pitch (worthless) lending itself to loads and loads and loads of runs. I do hope the English team use the sunscreen their Mum’s put in their ‘coffins’ because I think they’ll be out there for a goodly time to come…as long as the bloody Welsh summer kick’s in of course. I have heard, however, that the ground shops are selling Monty skull skins to keep the sun off their delicate English noggins. Maybe we’ll see a whole team of Monty’s? Oh hang on………
Bless em! Doncha just wanna hug an Englishman and say…”it’ll be ok”. J
Lifeless wicket still
Lifeless crowd still
Better umpiring although Doctrove has clearly taken lessons from his West Indian compatriate
Little Welsh talent today
Too much camera coverage of that pittiful ex-England captain
The Poms can sing Delilah to their hearts content … Swan is STILL not a spinners arsehole!!!
For all the verbal diarohea the parochial commentary has gushed forth regarding Hauritz’s inept spin ability (he’s the ONLY bowler to have spun the ball and gotten wickets), the English are at sixes and sevens to remedy a steadfast Aussie batting line up. If I was Swan, I’d decide to change to left-arm Chinaman because he’s getting no turn whatsoever and in no way is befuddling the Aussie batsmen!!! (Ponting, please have my baby!) In fact, Swan’s Mother does better turning a trick on a cold night in Swansea.
Monty, bless his soul, is still as useless as tits on a bull. He’s still seeking assurance and acceptance from a team of individuals, who no more want him on their team as wanting your smelly mate turn up to your first threesome in college with two horny Czech exchange students. Hmmmmmmmm…..Czech women :)
The only joy about today’s play, apart from the sensible, structured batting from the Australian team … and Freddie … is the fact that the ‘one-eyed’ English commentary (Hussein, Gower & Beefy (read Twat)) has progressively become more quiet as the day rolled on. Thank God for a West Indian legend filling the gap and adding some sensible discourse through clouds of splifter smoke. Where’s Richie when you need him?!?
Turning to Day 3…I see much of the same with an India-like pitch (worthless) lending itself to loads and loads and loads of runs. I do hope the English team use the sunscreen their Mum’s put in their ‘coffins’ because I think they’ll be out there for a goodly time to come…as long as the bloody Welsh summer kick’s in of course. I have heard, however, that the ground shops are selling Monty skull skins to keep the sun off their delicate English noggins. Maybe we’ll see a whole team of Monty’s? Oh hang on………
Bless em! Doncha just wanna hug an Englishman and say…”it’ll be ok”. J
1st Test - Day 3
Day 3 – Ashes
Is anyone watching anymore???
With England’s gay cousin, Wales, turning on another blistering summer’s day the Australian spectators turned out in droves in their parkers, thermals and Dryza-bones to watch another display of awesome spin bowling by Swann and Panesar…allegedly these are the two bowlers expounded by the English media as being able to annihilate the Australian batting line up!?! Unfortunately, these poor souls left extremely disappointed and only got to see their side humiliate a team that most pundits (read: Botham) said would decimate an under-done, Warne/McGrath/Hayden/Gilchrist-less Aussie lineup.
I must say it was good to see and hear the crowd come to life every time Freddie came on to bowl though, however one’s not sure whether he’s carrying an injury or he’s just another overweight English bowler struggling for fitness. (Where’s Harmie???) Your Ashes blogger has seen 105 year old green turtles move across the sand faster than Freddie chasing one down to leg.
For those folks living in Asia watching Star Cricket, I just want to apologise on behalf of this channel. I’ve not heard anything as bad as this since listening to that little piston, Gavaskar, launch verbal assault after verbal assault towards anything or anyone that didn’t wear the Indian flag upon its breast. I mean, for God’s sake, be neutral guys!!! Hussein, Botham, Gower and Bumble may just be the most boring set of old geezers I’ve ever heard in the commentary box in my life. I’d rather listen to Hitler, Goebels and Himler discuss the temperature of beer in the trenches than this motley crew of aging has-beens. If I have to hear the city of Worcester and the pre-Ashes game played there mentioned one more bloody time I’m gonna vomit in my nicely brewed pint of English Cafferey’s (Irish?). Have these idiots done no due diligence or background analysis on these players??? And comments from Beefy like: “sometimes the ball just doesn’t spin”. Well…I just don’t know what to say?!?!
Question: is Nasser Hussein channeling Dracula? Throw a cape over him and I’d swear he could pull off Vincent Price.
Halfway through this pulsating and scintillating bowling display I retired to the drawing room for a dram of port. With the volume turned up I listened in to the commentary…
Panesar bowls to Ponting who turns the ball off his pads to Bopara in deep square leg. As Strauss appeals for LBW Bopara shy’s at the stump, which is backed up beautifully by Pietersen.
I couldn’t help but feel that I was listening to Australia vs. World XI and not England. Thank God Ramprakash, Shah, Mascarenhas and Khan weren’t playing…I’d be totally lost. Maybe the ECB selectors have Arsene Wenger on their selection committee???
Doctrove finally got one right today…Katich plumb in front from a beauty bowled by alleged Englishman, Anderson. Doctrove needed to make amends for his disastrous call the previous day when (Soth Ifrican/Englishman) Pietersen played around, over and through a straight one on middle and leg. I’m sure Billy was a little embarrassed with himself when he watched the play-back that night in his hotel room with a racehorse of Jamaica’s finest and 10 year old whiskey with good friend Holding…which I’m sure he forgot about when said racehorse was smoked.
England may just be saved from utter humiliation in this 1st test by the onset of forecasted rain. With hints of unsettled weather coming in and tomorrow’s forecast of squalls the English players can sit in the sheds and ponder the lint in their navels whilst the Aussie batsmen can have a Symonds’-like beer or two and think of bigger and better things for the 2nd Test.
Your Ashes blogger will no doubt hope for continued play in this (“snore”) Test, however his liver and pancreas are not functioning as it should given the time difference in the Far East lends itself to “beer-o’clock” and pratha’s. Mmmmmmmmmmm…pratha!
Is anyone watching anymore???
With England’s gay cousin, Wales, turning on another blistering summer’s day the Australian spectators turned out in droves in their parkers, thermals and Dryza-bones to watch another display of awesome spin bowling by Swann and Panesar…allegedly these are the two bowlers expounded by the English media as being able to annihilate the Australian batting line up!?! Unfortunately, these poor souls left extremely disappointed and only got to see their side humiliate a team that most pundits (read: Botham) said would decimate an under-done, Warne/McGrath/Hayden/Gilchrist-less Aussie lineup.
I must say it was good to see and hear the crowd come to life every time Freddie came on to bowl though, however one’s not sure whether he’s carrying an injury or he’s just another overweight English bowler struggling for fitness. (Where’s Harmie???) Your Ashes blogger has seen 105 year old green turtles move across the sand faster than Freddie chasing one down to leg.
For those folks living in Asia watching Star Cricket, I just want to apologise on behalf of this channel. I’ve not heard anything as bad as this since listening to that little piston, Gavaskar, launch verbal assault after verbal assault towards anything or anyone that didn’t wear the Indian flag upon its breast. I mean, for God’s sake, be neutral guys!!! Hussein, Botham, Gower and Bumble may just be the most boring set of old geezers I’ve ever heard in the commentary box in my life. I’d rather listen to Hitler, Goebels and Himler discuss the temperature of beer in the trenches than this motley crew of aging has-beens. If I have to hear the city of Worcester and the pre-Ashes game played there mentioned one more bloody time I’m gonna vomit in my nicely brewed pint of English Cafferey’s (Irish?). Have these idiots done no due diligence or background analysis on these players??? And comments from Beefy like: “sometimes the ball just doesn’t spin”. Well…I just don’t know what to say?!?!
Question: is Nasser Hussein channeling Dracula? Throw a cape over him and I’d swear he could pull off Vincent Price.
Halfway through this pulsating and scintillating bowling display I retired to the drawing room for a dram of port. With the volume turned up I listened in to the commentary…
Panesar bowls to Ponting who turns the ball off his pads to Bopara in deep square leg. As Strauss appeals for LBW Bopara shy’s at the stump, which is backed up beautifully by Pietersen.
I couldn’t help but feel that I was listening to Australia vs. World XI and not England. Thank God Ramprakash, Shah, Mascarenhas and Khan weren’t playing…I’d be totally lost. Maybe the ECB selectors have Arsene Wenger on their selection committee???
Doctrove finally got one right today…Katich plumb in front from a beauty bowled by alleged Englishman, Anderson. Doctrove needed to make amends for his disastrous call the previous day when (Soth Ifrican/Englishman) Pietersen played around, over and through a straight one on middle and leg. I’m sure Billy was a little embarrassed with himself when he watched the play-back that night in his hotel room with a racehorse of Jamaica’s finest and 10 year old whiskey with good friend Holding…which I’m sure he forgot about when said racehorse was smoked.
England may just be saved from utter humiliation in this 1st test by the onset of forecasted rain. With hints of unsettled weather coming in and tomorrow’s forecast of squalls the English players can sit in the sheds and ponder the lint in their navels whilst the Aussie batsmen can have a Symonds’-like beer or two and think of bigger and better things for the 2nd Test.
Your Ashes blogger will no doubt hope for continued play in this (“snore”) Test, however his liver and pancreas are not functioning as it should given the time difference in the Far East lends itself to “beer-o’clock” and pratha’s. Mmmmmmmmmmm…pratha!
1st Test - Day 4
1st Test, Day 4 - Cardiff
All round good guy Ricky Ponting this day resigned himself and his team to sit in the sheds after his conscience would not allow him to play a style of cricket befitting England…getting out. King Ricky decided it best to allow the English bowlers a chance to score 100’s as well, which they all happily achieved. King Ricky said this decision was to give the English bowlers personal freedom previously denied them to attack the highest score the King posted the previous day. Your Director acknowledges that he really is a King for all people.
Again Andy Flower has defended himself and the English coaching staff. He said that in most sessions over the last two days his charges lead all the major statistics including runs scored against, least wickets taken, wide of the wicket shy’s, overthrows and non-spin of the ball. Whilst some ignorant people point at the scoreboard Andy also mentioned something about a new, young side rebuilding & not his fault et al. Your Director explained to Andy that when a Qantas plane’s wings fall off but the air conditioning and in-flight service continue, the passengers still have an unresolved issue.
The wicket has lived up to all the hype and played true to form…wretched! Pleb Strauss state he was disgusted as this wasn’t what he planned, discussed, agreed to and paid for over dinner some two months ago.
Your Direktor has observed that the one thing shared by all the curators in England is that they have no friends.
Your Director has received numerous comments from his English bretheren requesting Murugan, God of weather patterns, to start dancing in the streets of Cardiff. This was noted as a typical English plan of attack…”hope for rain and don’t attempt to win”.
Should Australia bowl England out in the final 4 sessions of this Test, or the heavens do decide to save England and open up, punters can all look forward to the 2nd Test at Lords where England hasn’t won an Ashes Test since 1934. Your Director is also looking forward to seeing the Poms in the field again for a goodly period of time and notes it’s better than watching a sneering, surly, insolent “me, me, me” Pietersen at the crease.
Day 4 - Highlights
Australia decided to lose just one wicket all day whilst England decided not to
English bowlers relished in the runs feast
Australia has uncovered another batting genius in North
Doctrove finally squared the ledger from that dismal Pietersen decision
Cook decided to sit this Test out and do nothing
All round good guy Ricky Ponting this day resigned himself and his team to sit in the sheds after his conscience would not allow him to play a style of cricket befitting England…getting out. King Ricky decided it best to allow the English bowlers a chance to score 100’s as well, which they all happily achieved. King Ricky said this decision was to give the English bowlers personal freedom previously denied them to attack the highest score the King posted the previous day. Your Director acknowledges that he really is a King for all people.
Again Andy Flower has defended himself and the English coaching staff. He said that in most sessions over the last two days his charges lead all the major statistics including runs scored against, least wickets taken, wide of the wicket shy’s, overthrows and non-spin of the ball. Whilst some ignorant people point at the scoreboard Andy also mentioned something about a new, young side rebuilding & not his fault et al. Your Director explained to Andy that when a Qantas plane’s wings fall off but the air conditioning and in-flight service continue, the passengers still have an unresolved issue.
The wicket has lived up to all the hype and played true to form…wretched! Pleb Strauss state he was disgusted as this wasn’t what he planned, discussed, agreed to and paid for over dinner some two months ago.
Your Direktor has observed that the one thing shared by all the curators in England is that they have no friends.
Your Director has received numerous comments from his English bretheren requesting Murugan, God of weather patterns, to start dancing in the streets of Cardiff. This was noted as a typical English plan of attack…”hope for rain and don’t attempt to win”.
Should Australia bowl England out in the final 4 sessions of this Test, or the heavens do decide to save England and open up, punters can all look forward to the 2nd Test at Lords where England hasn’t won an Ashes Test since 1934. Your Director is also looking forward to seeing the Poms in the field again for a goodly period of time and notes it’s better than watching a sneering, surly, insolent “me, me, me” Pietersen at the crease.
Day 4 - Highlights
Australia decided to lose just one wicket all day whilst England decided not to
English bowlers relished in the runs feast
Australia has uncovered another batting genius in North
Doctrove finally squared the ledger from that dismal Pietersen decision
Cook decided to sit this Test out and do nothing
1st Test - Day 5
1st Test, Day 5 - Cardiff
Queen of daytime telly, Kevin Pietersen, nearly had his makeup removed from his face after Lefty Johnson square up to him pre-game following an incident, involving a stray ball that Kev had deliberately hit towards Johnson in the Australian warm-up nets. Our Kev, who doesn’t like to play konkers with the big boys, traded insults and threw a handbag at Lefty, but was clearly still feeling rattled after Lefty’s spray. He decided to shoulder arms to the perfect ball from “The Hilf” so that he could get back in the sheds and into the healing bosom of the Flower. Your Director acknowledges that Kev really is the Queen of all Queen’s.
Kev hiding his running mascara
Billy Doctrove continued his poor form into this 5th and final day turning down another Johnson yorker that was clearly hitting the middle of Broad’s leg stump and an LBW to Collingwood on 49. Your Director made contact with the match referee afterwards, who said that Billy had been taking lessons over the winter at the Helen Keller School of Umpiring run by good friend and confidant, Steve Bucknor. Television replays showed Billy’s seeing-eye dog nodded and raised the paw on both occasions only to be smacked on the nose with a newspaper.
It was observed that Franken-Harmie took five wickets overnight in County cricket and therefore may be worth a flutter for the Lord’s Test starting next week. All English bowlers should put their hands up to make way for the ‘bolt necked one’. Your Director would suggest that those English fieldsmen who draw the short straw to field in slips start by putting some calluses on their palms in preparation … and learning the Lord’s Prayer.
The chronic English bias in the commentary box continued this day and will likely not improve anytime soon. Your Director is actually looking forward to the flatulent verbal of our Warney when he takes his spot in the box following his poker tourney in Vegas. Immigration has also been notified to confiscate any and all handheld devices upon his arrival into Heathrow as set out in the terms and conditions of his re-instated love match with his estranged wife.
Day 4 - Highlights
Queen Kev decided to enjoy another brain-snap today and chose not to bat on
Neither did Strauss or Prior
Hauritz came good and turned the ball a mile
Siddle gave it the hip and shoulder on choirboy Broad
Collingwood’s innings of sheer, mind-numbing boredom
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