5th Test - Day 1

I don't know what's been more boring today...listening to my wife's day at the office or watching England bat. I'm sure I've been teleported back to the 80's and I'm watching Boycott and Taveray (sic) batting for a draw. Thank God the Victoria's Secret show was being broadcast tonight or else I'd have to go to bed and snuggle instead of spend 10 minutes in the toilet (wink!). Phew!

Nudge! Nudge! Oi, England. FYI, you actually have to play for a win. I'm not sure if you know this or not, but it's 1 all and everything to play for. You actually have to win this one to win the Ashes back. Jeez!!! I'd rather watch a cockroach try and rape a squirrel at this point.

Cook played like a teenage prostitute again throwing himself at anything with a ball/s. Hopeless! Honestly, what's happened to England's openers of late? It's as if they've decided that one win out of five is enough and they're spot in the team is secure. Wake up Pommy! If not for your country, then for the viewing public who have to pay for this shit. Strauss. WAKE UP!!!

Again it was demonstrated that most lepers’ have more Facebook friends than Andy Flower after the ECB voted against his proposal to play Monty Panesar. The Flower said his duty as the English coach is clear & he could never support forcing anyone to play a broken down old hack and a guy who just can't pick up wickets over someone who picks up wickets at regular intervals.

Such a battle has not been seen since Wellington vs. Napoleon played at Waterloo or VHS vs. Beta ... but turning into the home straight for the last time Your Director has again sat back on his pedestal and with complete faith decided that England's lack of spirit may just be their final undoing. The close up provided by television shows the glum faces under blue helmets knowing that time is running out for them having lost too many wickets on the first day. Thankfully, Australia provided England with some much needed sundries to make their nap time tonight a little easier.

Leaving the Chinese quaking in fear, Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, announced today that he proposes to link the Australian & New Zealand defence forces together to form a new ANZAC Contingent. Defence Force officials from both countries will finalise the details of who gets to hold the gun and in what accent ANZAC soldiers will yell 'bang'.

Speaking of banging...a few clips of our Princess-in-waiting, Kevin "The Nancy" Pietersen, were flashed before our humble eyes today. No doubt he came to see his countryman, Trott, make some runs for South Africa. Oh sorry, England! And speaking of runs, or lack thereof, Freddie "The Quitter" Flintoff made absolutely NONE! Nice one Freddie.

On to the 2nd day now and there's tail enders' wickets to collect by Australia followed by 2 days of batting by the Legends. If your Direktor knew anything about cricket, and he doesn't, he'd say that England will end up with ~350 runs by lunch on Day 2 with Australia coming in to bat until the last hour of the 3rd day with 150 runs in their back pockets :)

But that's just your Direktor.....not me :)

Enjoy your day mortals...