2nd Test - Day 1

The Flower this week said the English team were inspired to last weeks draw by the 40th anniversary of the first moon landing. The Flower said JFK may have preached that "we choose to go to the moon not because it is easy but because it is hard"...but he had taking the English a step further saying. “We don’t win because we can’t!”

Australia, today, decided against playing like touring sides of yore and took up where England left off in the field in the last Test. Dismally! The effects of trying to bowl out two of the worst batsmen in the world since McGrath retired has clearly affected the Ozzie bowlers so much so that the English top order actually made runs. Lots of em!

Today's play got underway under the dark clouds of a poor decision on the part of the English selectors. The non-selection of "Grievous Bodily" Harm-ison has sent the wrong message from the English team, in your Director's opinion. With the Lord's pitch always quickening up after Day 3, GBH would have been a shoe in to have a few drops of colonial claret spilt on it's hallowed turf.

With the average age of the Lord's blue-rinse set reaching a Pound Stirling cross rate of 120, all eyes turned to Queen Kev who was becoming more rattled in the sheds as the day wore on knowing his time in the middle (read: TV coverage) was being severely compromised by Englands openers. Freddie acted as a support system for Kev during this period soothing the Queen's troubled mind by reinforcing the fact he was "giving up and quitting" at the ripe old age of 28 thereby leaving Kev with greater exposure to the pace-maker'd English supporters and the two viewers around the world who love him.

Kev picked his bottom lip up off the ground and managed a surly snarl to let his team mates know he was ok after Freddies pep-talk, and when Bopara again failed to do anything at all, allowing him to skip to the centre knowing all those beady, English eyes were all focused on HIM...Kev's favourite person on the planet!

The batsmen with the pointiest head in Test cricket, Alastair "pretty-boy" Cook, choked in the mid 90's to a rare straight one from Mitch "The Prince" Johnson. Having bowled every other conceivable ball prior to this wicket, The Prince took pride in managing to let one loose, straight and on a good length, which surprised him, the batsman, the umpire and Hawkeye. Your director heard that in order to keep the Ashes Test as green as possible, the person operating Hawkeye usually turned it off when The Prince bowled as there was 1:1,000,000 chance of having to revert to it for our pundits viewing pleasure.

Blackadder finally conjured up a plan that worked today and set about pissing the Australian team off more than he did with his pathetic delay tactics in Cardiff. His strategy was to make as many runs as he could in the first innings before England lost all their wickets and then set about trying to bowl the Ozzies out. Your Director pointed out to Blackadder that those are in fact the rules and dimensions of the game to which he replied "Oh, I thought all English teams were meant to attempt a draw at all costs"?!?

This one looks like it'll go into Day 5 for sure with England posting a healthy target by late Day 2 and allowing Australia to spend two days catching up. Snore!!! Doncha just miss it when Australia blast away teams on Day 1 and are back in the hotel by close of play on Day 3. These 5 day tests are becoming droll :)