3rd Test - Day 1

Here comes the Sun, da de da da
Here comes the Sun, and I say...
It's alright, de da da dum dum dum da da da da da da da
Little darlin', it's been a long, long lonely winter...

Yes...the Beatles sung about it and the fans cried out for it...and finally it appeared. The English summer hit full tilt (tonight) with the Sun revealing itselft at 7pm GMT. No wonder the Poms are a miserable old lot. Imagine having to live your life in a perpetual state of grey (read: Pommy skin tone). 'The Quitter' opened the bowling and began a staring match with the opening Ozzie pair. It was all a little homo-erotic in nature for me, which made watching it a little uncomfortable. Quitter got absolutely nowhere and Blackadder immediately replaced him with the smelly 'Baldrick' Onions, who immediately got into the match by being karted for two fours by Shane 'The Tank' Watson. Nice one Balders.

It has been designed...the great Don "Ricky" Corleone has bestowed great favours upon us all & one day he will call upon us to do him a favour. The Don has given us something much greater than Samson & Delilah, greater than Fred & Ginger, greater than Major Nelson & Jeanie, Fred & Barnie, Napoleon & Josephine, Ren & Stimpy or Warnie & his drug dispensing mum. Don Ricky has given us a new meaning to cricket with the addtion of 'The Tank', who has come into the side in place of 'The Kitten', who was unfairly roughed up by the mean Pommy bowlers and is now doing 10 to 20 in the nets.

Meanwhile the ECB confirmed that Pietersen has no friends.

The Poms this week also signed up 'The Sherminator' Bell for the rest of the Ashes. 'The Flower' said it was great for the team to have a player offering to join in occasionally after standing out on the ground for 5 years watching. Your Direktor notes that he quite nicely fills a gap left by the Queen, who too, stood out on the ground and did nothing but pick lint from his belly button and apply lippy as required.

Your Direktor noted today that the ICC has AGAIN nominated Rudi 'The C*#t' Koertzen to officiate over another Ashes Test. Have these people gone as stark raving mad as the FINA representatives and decided not to make any decision on anything too critical until sometime in 2010??? The ICC Umpires Code of Conduct and the Rules & Regulations Committeee stipulate that an umpire must retire at the age of 55 years...or...when you're a complete twat. Whichever comes first. Given Rudi's over this age limit and is undoubtedly a twat...why on God's green Earth is he still appearing on my 50" Plazma screen? God give me strength.

Your Direktor also noted that the world swimming championships are currently being held in a puddle in Europe that actually has sunshine beating down on it. Many former East German champions, both male & male, have contacted Your Direktor asking why, "if it is taken internally, it is cheating...wear it externally and it is technological progress"? True dat! Helmut Johan Kurt Brinkerhoff of the former DDR female shot put team has a point. Woof!

Finally, the Taliban issued a statement today condemning the Ashes Series and it's flagrant advertisement of alcohol consumption, scantily clad women and absolute fun. Your Direktor would like to retort by saying:

You are my Sunshine
My only Sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey......

See ya mortals. Enjoy the 2nd days coverage, if any :)