1st Test - Day 5

1st Test, Day 5 - Cardiff

Queen of daytime telly, Kevin Pietersen, nearly had his makeup removed from his face after Lefty Johnson square up to him pre-game following an incident, involving a stray ball that Kev had deliberately hit towards Johnson in the Australian warm-up nets. Our Kev, who doesn’t like to play konkers with the big boys, traded insults and threw a handbag at Lefty, but was clearly still feeling rattled after Lefty’s spray. He decided to shoulder arms to the perfect ball from “The Hilf” so that he could get back in the sheds and into the healing bosom of the Flower. Your Director acknowledges that Kev really is the Queen of all Queen’s.
Kev hiding his running mascara

Billy Doctrove continued his poor form into this 5th and final day turning down another Johnson yorker that was clearly hitting the middle of Broad’s leg stump and an LBW to Collingwood on 49. Your Director made contact with the match referee afterwards, who said that Billy had been taking lessons over the winter at the Helen Keller School of Umpiring run by good friend and confidant, Steve Bucknor. Television replays showed Billy’s seeing-eye dog nodded and raised the paw on both occasions only to be smacked on the nose with a newspaper.


It was observed that Franken-Harmie took five wickets overnight in County cricket and therefore may be worth a flutter for the Lord’s Test starting next week. All English bowlers should put their hands up to make way for the ‘bolt necked one’. Your Director would suggest that those English fieldsmen who draw the short straw to field in slips start by putting some calluses on their palms in preparation … and learning the Lord’s Prayer.

The chronic English bias in the commentary box continued this day and will likely not improve anytime soon. Your Director is actually looking forward to the flatulent verbal of our Warney when he takes his spot in the box following his poker tourney in Vegas. Immigration has also been notified to confiscate any and all handheld devices upon his arrival into Heathrow as set out in the terms and conditions of his re-instated love match with his estranged wife.

Day 4 - Highlights

Queen Kev decided to enjoy another brain-snap today and chose not to bat on

Neither did Strauss or Prior

Hauritz came good and turned the ball a mile

Siddle gave it the hip and shoulder on choirboy Broad

Collingwood’s innings of sheer, mind-numbing boredom