The Poms all live in a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine...They all live in a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine
They always play for a draw
Till they stumbled upon a dream
And now their team is breaking down
In their leaky submarine
The Poms all live in a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine...They all live in a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine
Aussies live a life of ease
Everyone of us has all we need
Sky of blue and pitch of green
Players all, brilliant indeed
The Poms all live in a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine
They all live in a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine, a leaky submarine
Yes, the English are falling apart at the seams mirroring the events of 2005 when McGrath was sadly ripped from the team having rolled an ankle on a deliberately placed ball by an opponent during the warm up session. This led to Australia's demise, 2-1, which, as we all know, was quite easily accounted for in 2007...5-zip!
Your Direktor has been informed that The Flower has brought in yet another African to play for England should The Quitter not be able to hobble out to take his place in the starting XI. That brings to 4 the total of African's playing/coaching for the English team at present. It's becoming more like Arsene Wenger's (English) football squad. Pity!
With news this week coming out of Oxford University stating that England was more egalitarian than Australia and therefore British men ranked #1 as 'best husbands' for their domesticity in the household (Australia ranked last, due to their like of beer and the great outdoors), your Direktor thinks that maybe it's time that the Poms should just stay home with a nice cup of tea and let the big boys play the mans game. Bless em!
Bill Clinton orchestrated a humanitarian mission to Pyongyang this week to release two U.S. journalists (read: spies) from captivity and setting them free from hard labour and dancing in the streets with large colourful ribbons. As this was going on, Hillary Clinton was in Africa scouting for players for the English cricket team and attempting to set free any citizens who had any blood ties with any Englishman in history....ever! She found one in Trott, who is DNA-linked with a 380 year old bat that once lived in a cave in Dover. Good enough for the ECB, good enough for me.
Big Test this week....BIG! Everything is on the line in what will be the best Test played in the last 4 years. Guaranteed. Look out for loads of runs and loads of spin. Also look out for Clark tearing the Poms a new one :)
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
3rd Test - Day 5
Has the worm turned? Is this the change the Aussies have been waiting for? Is this where the Ashes start to come home to its rightful home downunder?
Yes, Australia has come good at the right time of the Ashes. Just when your Direktor was going to call for the heads of Hussey and North they decided to save face and do what they're in the team to do...make runs and keep an end. It'll be a disappointment for whomever the selectors decide to drop to make way for Clarke at Headingley, but my money is on Siddle at the moment. The big unit needs a rest and Clarke needs a roll of the arm. The amount of swing that seems to be coming from these Duke balls will have the tall streak of pelican shit salivating for the new cherry. God bless him!
All in all it's been a reasonably good game. A little boring in parts due to the 'rest day', but good to see both sets of players finally having a good old sledge at each other. Where has the anger been hiding? There's nothing better than seeing batsman and bowler giving it a bit of lip in the centre. The series has been screaming out for it...and it's been gooooood.
It's also good to see the Poms' faces drop like a sledge hammer throughout the day. You could really see they thought they could pull this one off this morning with The Quitter in fine fettle of late. But alas, it was not meant to be. The only highlight, apart from North and Clarke's batting prowess, was Pamela's catch in gully. Brilliant!!!
So on to Headingley and a series that's open for the taking. England need a win to seal victory. Australia need a win to take it to the final Test at The Oval. Who will win? Who will take the honours? Will Rudi be playing for England again???
Yes, Australia has come good at the right time of the Ashes. Just when your Direktor was going to call for the heads of Hussey and North they decided to save face and do what they're in the team to do...make runs and keep an end. It'll be a disappointment for whomever the selectors decide to drop to make way for Clarke at Headingley, but my money is on Siddle at the moment. The big unit needs a rest and Clarke needs a roll of the arm. The amount of swing that seems to be coming from these Duke balls will have the tall streak of pelican shit salivating for the new cherry. God bless him!
All in all it's been a reasonably good game. A little boring in parts due to the 'rest day', but good to see both sets of players finally having a good old sledge at each other. Where has the anger been hiding? There's nothing better than seeing batsman and bowler giving it a bit of lip in the centre. The series has been screaming out for it...and it's been gooooood.
It's also good to see the Poms' faces drop like a sledge hammer throughout the day. You could really see they thought they could pull this one off this morning with The Quitter in fine fettle of late. But alas, it was not meant to be. The only highlight, apart from North and Clarke's batting prowess, was Pamela's catch in gully. Brilliant!!!
So on to Headingley and a series that's open for the taking. England need a win to seal victory. Australia need a win to take it to the final Test at The Oval. Who will win? Who will take the honours? Will Rudi be playing for England again???
Be there for what is going to be THE best Test of the series. I'm sure of.
Pammmmm.....OUT! See ya mortals.
Pammmmm.....OUT! See ya mortals.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
3rd Test, Day 3
I canceled a dinner and a house party tonight to ensure I stayed home glued to the rivetting Ashes Test series. Sooooooooo, rivetting! I've actually ordered an eight ball of cocaine from a mate of mine in Thailand as this series is really beginning to become a complete dose of Xanax, which I've already swallowed. I'm actually typing on 4 screens as I #@*$ $()#()
Australia came out on the field this morning for their warm-up brimming with confidence. Unfortunately, that confidence turns out to be the fact they get lunch packs delivered to their dressing rooms and they can each swap stuff with each other. Bless em! Kitten Hughes was most chuffed dancing between kit coffins and singing a merry rainy tune. Bless him!
England and their supporters decided that given they couldn't watch the cricket today they would act like any other typical English sports fan, remove their clothes and club ties and riot through the city of Birmingham, raping, pillaging and stealing. The Birmingham City Council reported it was the quietest night since 1993's bombing of Old Compton Road in London.
What?
Good luck mortals. Remember, your wife is the living evil sent down from the alien Mother Ship. Stand up for yourselves!!!
Let's play 5050 for the last 2 days. Wheeeeeee...........
Australia came out on the field this morning for their warm-up brimming with confidence. Unfortunately, that confidence turns out to be the fact they get lunch packs delivered to their dressing rooms and they can each swap stuff with each other. Bless em! Kitten Hughes was most chuffed dancing between kit coffins and singing a merry rainy tune. Bless him!
England and their supporters decided that given they couldn't watch the cricket today they would act like any other typical English sports fan, remove their clothes and club ties and riot through the city of Birmingham, raping, pillaging and stealing. The Birmingham City Council reported it was the quietest night since 1993's bombing of Old Compton Road in London.
What?
Good luck mortals. Remember, your wife is the living evil sent down from the alien Mother Ship. Stand up for yourselves!!!
Let's play 5050 for the last 2 days. Wheeeeeee...........
Friday, July 31, 2009
3rd Test, Day 2
Following the Air France disaster last month, Airbus released a statement overnight encouraging all airlines operating the A330 to ensure they change the plane's navigational systems as soon as possible. The ACB released a statement shortly afterwards requesting said systems be delivered to the Australian dressing rooms for instant installation as the Australian batters had no idea today of flight, speed or direction.
Onions and Anderson had the Ozzies at 6's and 7's in the 1st session of the 2nd day, which almost equated to the strike rate of each Ozzie batsman. Onions' 1st two deliveries were spectacular followed up by Anderson's swing, which was moving both ways superbly. England could not have asked for a better start to this test following a rain-soaked 1st day.
Ponting, Hussey, Clarke & North all failed dismally and should be taken out the back of the sheds and shot...twice! Manou is no Haddin. And Johnson should be playing soccer. He superbly stopped that little ball hitting his stumps though...unfortunately he should have used his bat. Idiot!
Cook decided to play like Hussey at the start of England's first dig by racking up a big, fat donut. Bopara failed again. Surely the selectors would be looking at a change soon. He's just not up to Test level standard.
Your Direcktor would like to state that Rudi Koertzen should be sacked RIGHT NOW and never to umpire a game of cricket again! This is just becoming farcical. He is making the Ashes an absolute joke and quite frankly displaying favouritism to the home side. He gave Clarke out, which wasn't out, then saved Bell with quite possibly the plumbest of all plumb LBW's. This, following the terrible decisions in the 2nd Test that may have cost Australia the game.
Shame Koertzen, shame!!!
On a brighter note, Queen Kev wasn't spotted all day. Sigh! It's so nice not to have his surly looking dome burning holes on my plasma screen.
Getcha raincoats out for the 3rd day...I think you'll need them :)
Onions and Anderson had the Ozzies at 6's and 7's in the 1st session of the 2nd day, which almost equated to the strike rate of each Ozzie batsman. Onions' 1st two deliveries were spectacular followed up by Anderson's swing, which was moving both ways superbly. England could not have asked for a better start to this test following a rain-soaked 1st day.
Ponting, Hussey, Clarke & North all failed dismally and should be taken out the back of the sheds and shot...twice! Manou is no Haddin. And Johnson should be playing soccer. He superbly stopped that little ball hitting his stumps though...unfortunately he should have used his bat. Idiot!
Cook decided to play like Hussey at the start of England's first dig by racking up a big, fat donut. Bopara failed again. Surely the selectors would be looking at a change soon. He's just not up to Test level standard.
Your Direcktor would like to state that Rudi Koertzen should be sacked RIGHT NOW and never to umpire a game of cricket again! This is just becoming farcical. He is making the Ashes an absolute joke and quite frankly displaying favouritism to the home side. He gave Clarke out, which wasn't out, then saved Bell with quite possibly the plumbest of all plumb LBW's. This, following the terrible decisions in the 2nd Test that may have cost Australia the game.
Shame Koertzen, shame!!!
On a brighter note, Queen Kev wasn't spotted all day. Sigh! It's so nice not to have his surly looking dome burning holes on my plasma screen.
Getcha raincoats out for the 3rd day...I think you'll need them :)
Thursday, July 30, 2009
3rd Test - Day 1
Here comes the Sun, da de da da
Here comes the Sun, and I say...
It's alright, de da da dum dum dum da da da da da da da
Little darlin', it's been a long, long lonely winter...
Yes...the Beatles sung about it and the fans cried out for it...and finally it appeared. The English summer hit full tilt (tonight) with the Sun revealing itselft at 7pm GMT. No wonder the Poms are a miserable old lot. Imagine having to live your life in a perpetual state of grey (read: Pommy skin tone). 'The Quitter' opened the bowling and began a staring match with the opening Ozzie pair. It was all a little homo-erotic in nature for me, which made watching it a little uncomfortable. Quitter got absolutely nowhere and Blackadder immediately replaced him with the smelly 'Baldrick' Onions, who immediately got into the match by being karted for two fours by Shane 'The Tank' Watson. Nice one Balders.
It has been designed...the great Don "Ricky" Corleone has bestowed great favours upon us all & one day he will call upon us to do him a favour. The Don has given us something much greater than Samson & Delilah, greater than Fred & Ginger, greater than Major Nelson & Jeanie, Fred & Barnie, Napoleon & Josephine, Ren & Stimpy or Warnie & his drug dispensing mum. Don Ricky has given us a new meaning to cricket with the addtion of 'The Tank', who has come into the side in place of 'The Kitten', who was unfairly roughed up by the mean Pommy bowlers and is now doing 10 to 20 in the nets.
Meanwhile the ECB confirmed that Pietersen has no friends.
The Poms this week also signed up 'The Sherminator' Bell for the rest of the Ashes. 'The Flower' said it was great for the team to have a player offering to join in occasionally after standing out on the ground for 5 years watching. Your Direktor notes that he quite nicely fills a gap left by the Queen, who too, stood out on the ground and did nothing but pick lint from his belly button and apply lippy as required.
Your Direktor noted today that the ICC has AGAIN nominated Rudi 'The C*#t' Koertzen to officiate over another Ashes Test. Have these people gone as stark raving mad as the FINA representatives and decided not to make any decision on anything too critical until sometime in 2010??? The ICC Umpires Code of Conduct and the Rules & Regulations Committeee stipulate that an umpire must retire at the age of 55 years...or...when you're a complete twat. Whichever comes first. Given Rudi's over this age limit and is undoubtedly a twat...why on God's green Earth is he still appearing on my 50" Plazma screen? God give me strength.
Your Direktor also noted that the world swimming championships are currently being held in a puddle in Europe that actually has sunshine beating down on it. Many former East German champions, both male & male, have contacted Your Direktor asking why, "if it is taken internally, it is cheating...wear it externally and it is technological progress"? True dat! Helmut Johan Kurt Brinkerhoff of the former DDR female shot put team has a point. Woof!
Finally, the Taliban issued a statement today condemning the Ashes Series and it's flagrant advertisement of alcohol consumption, scantily clad women and absolute fun. Your Direktor would like to retort by saying:
You are my Sunshine
My only Sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey......
See ya mortals. Enjoy the 2nd days coverage, if any :)
Here comes the Sun, and I say...
It's alright, de da da dum dum dum da da da da da da da
Little darlin', it's been a long, long lonely winter...
Yes...the Beatles sung about it and the fans cried out for it...and finally it appeared. The English summer hit full tilt (tonight) with the Sun revealing itselft at 7pm GMT. No wonder the Poms are a miserable old lot. Imagine having to live your life in a perpetual state of grey (read: Pommy skin tone). 'The Quitter' opened the bowling and began a staring match with the opening Ozzie pair. It was all a little homo-erotic in nature for me, which made watching it a little uncomfortable. Quitter got absolutely nowhere and Blackadder immediately replaced him with the smelly 'Baldrick' Onions, who immediately got into the match by being karted for two fours by Shane 'The Tank' Watson. Nice one Balders.
It has been designed...the great Don "Ricky" Corleone has bestowed great favours upon us all & one day he will call upon us to do him a favour. The Don has given us something much greater than Samson & Delilah, greater than Fred & Ginger, greater than Major Nelson & Jeanie, Fred & Barnie, Napoleon & Josephine, Ren & Stimpy or Warnie & his drug dispensing mum. Don Ricky has given us a new meaning to cricket with the addtion of 'The Tank', who has come into the side in place of 'The Kitten', who was unfairly roughed up by the mean Pommy bowlers and is now doing 10 to 20 in the nets.
Meanwhile the ECB confirmed that Pietersen has no friends.
The Poms this week also signed up 'The Sherminator' Bell for the rest of the Ashes. 'The Flower' said it was great for the team to have a player offering to join in occasionally after standing out on the ground for 5 years watching. Your Direktor notes that he quite nicely fills a gap left by the Queen, who too, stood out on the ground and did nothing but pick lint from his belly button and apply lippy as required.
Your Direktor noted today that the ICC has AGAIN nominated Rudi 'The C*#t' Koertzen to officiate over another Ashes Test. Have these people gone as stark raving mad as the FINA representatives and decided not to make any decision on anything too critical until sometime in 2010??? The ICC Umpires Code of Conduct and the Rules & Regulations Committeee stipulate that an umpire must retire at the age of 55 years...or...when you're a complete twat. Whichever comes first. Given Rudi's over this age limit and is undoubtedly a twat...why on God's green Earth is he still appearing on my 50" Plazma screen? God give me strength.
Your Direktor also noted that the world swimming championships are currently being held in a puddle in Europe that actually has sunshine beating down on it. Many former East German champions, both male & male, have contacted Your Direktor asking why, "if it is taken internally, it is cheating...wear it externally and it is technological progress"? True dat! Helmut Johan Kurt Brinkerhoff of the former DDR female shot put team has a point. Woof!
Finally, the Taliban issued a statement today condemning the Ashes Series and it's flagrant advertisement of alcohol consumption, scantily clad women and absolute fun. Your Direktor would like to retort by saying:
You are my Sunshine
My only Sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey......
See ya mortals. Enjoy the 2nd days coverage, if any :)
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
3rd Test - Preview
The Queen is dead!
Long live the King!!!
Yes, media reports have been abound that Queen Kev has been afflicted by the dreaded pox and will be unable to ponce about and do nothing in the field (as is his want). Blackadder Strauss stated that the Queen's infectious persona will be sadly missed but the team are looking forward to his oozing charm in the sheds after he's removed from the drip. Blackadder added that there was enough disease going around as it is, what with SARS, Swine Flu, Dengue, Spanish flu, Black Plague et al, thanks to England's liberal, transitory immigration policy. Go England!
Speaking of long English ancestry's, Bopara's lineage, which dates back to the 70's (1970's), is on the line this week. 'The Raj' hasn't performed too well this Ashes series and now with Queen Kev riddled with the unmentionable he needs to pull up his kurta, adjust his sandles and start getting a few curries on the board (Get it? Curries? Runs....no??? Come on people, work with me here!!!)
Ian 'The Sherminator" Bell is back in the fold for this Test after he found out that Lord Warne won't be playing and therefore he wouldn't have to cry on international telly again. Since his fall from grace after being absolutely humiliated in Australia with the rest of his team in 2007, The Sherminator is full of positive thinking now (as he tells everyone), not to mention full of peroxide highlights in his straw-like hair. Me thinks the pressure will still be too great for the little one and he'll crumble under a hail of Siddle.
Long live the King!!!
Yes, media reports have been abound that Queen Kev has been afflicted by the dreaded pox and will be unable to ponce about and do nothing in the field (as is his want). Blackadder Strauss stated that the Queen's infectious persona will be sadly missed but the team are looking forward to his oozing charm in the sheds after he's removed from the drip. Blackadder added that there was enough disease going around as it is, what with SARS, Swine Flu, Dengue, Spanish flu, Black Plague et al, thanks to England's liberal, transitory immigration policy. Go England!
Speaking of long English ancestry's, Bopara's lineage, which dates back to the 70's (1970's), is on the line this week. 'The Raj' hasn't performed too well this Ashes series and now with Queen Kev riddled with the unmentionable he needs to pull up his kurta, adjust his sandles and start getting a few curries on the board (Get it? Curries? Runs....no??? Come on people, work with me here!!!)
Ian 'The Sherminator" Bell is back in the fold for this Test after he found out that Lord Warne won't be playing and therefore he wouldn't have to cry on international telly again. Since his fall from grace after being absolutely humiliated in Australia with the rest of his team in 2007, The Sherminator is full of positive thinking now (as he tells everyone), not to mention full of peroxide highlights in his straw-like hair. Me thinks the pressure will still be too great for the little one and he'll crumble under a hail of Siddle.
'The Prince' Johnson and 'The Kitten' Hughes also have much to prove to the Australian selectors this Test having not performed AT ALL in the first two Tests. Never have two players gotten off to more of a poor start since Gatting and Atherton tried to bat against The Lord in 1993. These two kids really need to stop suckling from their Mothers teat, take off the bibs and get down to business. This is big boy cricket now and they need to perform or the selectors will bring back Justin Langer, who has come out recently and said he wants to play for Australia again, and Trevor Chappell, who said he knows how to deal with the non-bounce of the Edgbaston pitch.
So here we are brothers...on the eve of the 3rd Test. A must win for Australia or a nail in the Ozzie coffin on behalf of the Poms. Which will it be?
Stay tuned and enjoy the telecast. I know I will be. I will be wearing my Axe deodorant, eating my Cadbury's chocolate after getting off my Yamaha motorbike and slamming down an LMN lemon drink. (those watching the India broadcast will know what I mean) :)
Monday, July 20, 2009
2nd Test - Day 5
Freddie came.
Freddie saw.
Freddie conquered.
The oldest 28 year old in the world pushed his broken down body to the limit to rattle the flacid tail of the Australian batting line up. With the English fraternity's collective bottoms all puckering up over-night with the thoughts of a possible Ozzie fight back, all best plans were laid to rest when "The Quitter" took hold of the cherry and let it go like an Exocet missile at the hapless batters. There was nothing anyone could do to combat the extraordinary effort he put in in the morning's session. Congratulations Quitter! Great effort!
To all my Pommy 'mates' who very nicely emailed and sms'd me your encouraging words of luck ... I'd like to thank you all kindly. It means a lot to me to know that I'm in your thoughts even on the weekends when it's your family time. I'm sure your wives were all doing the same.
So it's on to the 3rd Test at Edgbaston. England will go into the game on a fabulous high. Australia will look to get Johnson some target practice in their 3 day game this coming Friday because if he's not back in form by the next Test, there are two extremely good bowlers in Lee and Clarke champing at the bit in the sheds itching to get at the throats of the Poms.
Enjoy the next couple of weeks mortals. Don't get too cocky in the meantime. There's still 3 Tests to go. Oh, and please make sure to write a comment below so I know you're thinking of me :)
Freddie saw.
Freddie conquered.
The oldest 28 year old in the world pushed his broken down body to the limit to rattle the flacid tail of the Australian batting line up. With the English fraternity's collective bottoms all puckering up over-night with the thoughts of a possible Ozzie fight back, all best plans were laid to rest when "The Quitter" took hold of the cherry and let it go like an Exocet missile at the hapless batters. There was nothing anyone could do to combat the extraordinary effort he put in in the morning's session. Congratulations Quitter! Great effort!
To all my Pommy 'mates' who very nicely emailed and sms'd me your encouraging words of luck ... I'd like to thank you all kindly. It means a lot to me to know that I'm in your thoughts even on the weekends when it's your family time. I'm sure your wives were all doing the same.
So it's on to the 3rd Test at Edgbaston. England will go into the game on a fabulous high. Australia will look to get Johnson some target practice in their 3 day game this coming Friday because if he's not back in form by the next Test, there are two extremely good bowlers in Lee and Clarke champing at the bit in the sheds itching to get at the throats of the Poms.
Enjoy the next couple of weeks mortals. Don't get too cocky in the meantime. There's still 3 Tests to go. Oh, and please make sure to write a comment below so I know you're thinking of me :)
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