A mammoth task just keeps getting more mammothy with the ridiculous amount of run outs and stumpings. Can someone please explain how The Quitter managed to get down so quickly and pick up the ball and throw out Ponting given he's just about broken down??? Unbelievable!
Only two things have separated these two teams over this series: Rudi Koertzen and 'man-child' Broad's spell in the 1st innings of this Test. Apart from that, it's been extremely even with no real stand outs. Some would say that The Quitter's spell in the Lord's Test was brilliant but your Direktor must point out that if it wasn't for Rudi's appalling behaviour he wouldn't have picked up those wickets and that match may not have gone the way of the Poms.
It was great to see Hussey pick up another century for his country...a little too late, for mind, however a fighting spirit was shown when the chips were down. Is it enough to save his place in the side, I don't think so. That may just be the last time we see the Huss on tour playing Test match cricket. I'm sure the ACB selector's will be going the way of youth with Phil Hughes moving to No.4 in his place.
What Clarke and North were doing today, I just do not know!?! At such a critical juncture of the Test, to be run out and stumped beggars belief. Especially against the likes of England who are notoriously poor fielders. Had they not thrown their wickets away this match would be going a different route all together. There isn't that many runs to get and to have them fall without putting anything on the board was simply disastrous. 50 or 60 from each of them would have set Australia up for a famous win. I'm sure Punter will be having a quiet word in their ears and making them both pack the kit bag.
And Haddin, the last recognised batsman dancing down the wicket for glory was just downright foolhardy. Talk about a day of brain farts!? Jeez...
Your Direktor would like to point out, since he was out last night watching the rugby and not being in the right state of mind to string two sentences together, the extremely sportsman-like manner in which King Ricky shook The Quitter's hand when he came out to bat yesterday. Knowing it was his last dig in Test cricket the King congratulated Fred on his services to his country, which was warmly received by everyone. Well done mate! You weren't the best player going around, but you are a legend.
Speaking of well done...the pitch. Obviously doctored to get a result, the dustbowl at The Brit Oval played right into the hands of the Poms this Test, which will no doubt see the curator being awarded an MBE, OBE and Knighthood. I hope he doesn't get hit by a bus on his way home later. :)
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
5th Test - 2nd Day
Dear God...
I know we haven't sp0ken of late, but I need to speak with you and say a little prayer. It's just been one of those days. Please lend me your ear.
I know I've drunk a lot of alcohol over the years, and
I know I've taken too many pharmaceuticals too, and
I know I've been a little too naughty in a lot of dodgy Asian clubs, and
I know I've set up a few of my mates with lady-boys in Thailand, and
I know I've secretly had undesirable thoughts about my mates' wives, and
I know I've said some pretty bad things to people on the odd occassion, and
I know I've sledged the odd whinging Pommy or two, but
please,
please,
please,
would you ensure the English summer plays true to form and rains over the next 3 days. I'd be ever so appreciative and will even start to go to church on Sundays. The real church, not that awful one in Shephard's Bush where all those horrid little Australian's go. I promise.
Ahmen.
I know we haven't sp0ken of late, but I need to speak with you and say a little prayer. It's just been one of those days. Please lend me your ear.
I know I've drunk a lot of alcohol over the years, and
I know I've taken too many pharmaceuticals too, and
I know I've been a little too naughty in a lot of dodgy Asian clubs, and
I know I've set up a few of my mates with lady-boys in Thailand, and
I know I've secretly had undesirable thoughts about my mates' wives, and
I know I've said some pretty bad things to people on the odd occassion, and
I know I've sledged the odd whinging Pommy or two, but
please,
please,
please,
would you ensure the English summer plays true to form and rains over the next 3 days. I'd be ever so appreciative and will even start to go to church on Sundays. The real church, not that awful one in Shephard's Bush where all those horrid little Australian's go. I promise.
Ahmen.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
5th Test - Day 1
I don't know what's been more boring today...listening to my wife's day at the office or watching England bat. I'm sure I've been teleported back to the 80's and I'm watching Boycott and Taveray (sic) batting for a draw. Thank God the Victoria's Secret show was being broadcast tonight or else I'd have to go to bed and snuggle instead of spend 10 minutes in the toilet (wink!). Phew!
Nudge! Nudge! Oi, England. FYI, you actually have to play for a win. I'm not sure if you know this or not, but it's 1 all and everything to play for. You actually have to win this one to win the Ashes back. Jeez!!! I'd rather watch a cockroach try and rape a squirrel at this point.
Cook played like a teenage prostitute again throwing himself at anything with a ball/s. Hopeless! Honestly, what's happened to England's openers of late? It's as if they've decided that one win out of five is enough and they're spot in the team is secure. Wake up Pommy! If not for your country, then for the viewing public who have to pay for this shit. Strauss. WAKE UP!!!
Again it was demonstrated that most lepers’ have more Facebook friends than Andy Flower after the ECB voted against his proposal to play Monty Panesar. The Flower said his duty as the English coach is clear & he could never support forcing anyone to play a broken down old hack and a guy who just can't pick up wickets over someone who picks up wickets at regular intervals.
Such a battle has not been seen since Wellington vs. Napoleon played at Waterloo or VHS vs. Beta ... but turning into the home straight for the last time Your Director has again sat back on his pedestal and with complete faith decided that England's lack of spirit may just be their final undoing. The close up provided by television shows the glum faces under blue helmets knowing that time is running out for them having lost too many wickets on the first day. Thankfully, Australia provided England with some much needed sundries to make their nap time tonight a little easier.
Leaving the Chinese quaking in fear, Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, announced today that he proposes to link the Australian & New Zealand defence forces together to form a new ANZAC Contingent. Defence Force officials from both countries will finalise the details of who gets to hold the gun and in what accent ANZAC soldiers will yell 'bang'.
Speaking of banging...a few clips of our Princess-in-waiting, Kevin "The Nancy" Pietersen, were flashed before our humble eyes today. No doubt he came to see his countryman, Trott, make some runs for South Africa. Oh sorry, England! And speaking of runs, or lack thereof, Freddie "The Quitter" Flintoff made absolutely NONE! Nice one Freddie.
On to the 2nd day now and there's tail enders' wickets to collect by Australia followed by 2 days of batting by the Legends. If your Direktor knew anything about cricket, and he doesn't, he'd say that England will end up with ~350 runs by lunch on Day 2 with Australia coming in to bat until the last hour of the 3rd day with 150 runs in their back pockets :)
But that's just your Direktor.....not me :)
Enjoy your day mortals...
Nudge! Nudge! Oi, England. FYI, you actually have to play for a win. I'm not sure if you know this or not, but it's 1 all and everything to play for. You actually have to win this one to win the Ashes back. Jeez!!! I'd rather watch a cockroach try and rape a squirrel at this point.
Cook played like a teenage prostitute again throwing himself at anything with a ball/s. Hopeless! Honestly, what's happened to England's openers of late? It's as if they've decided that one win out of five is enough and they're spot in the team is secure. Wake up Pommy! If not for your country, then for the viewing public who have to pay for this shit. Strauss. WAKE UP!!!
Again it was demonstrated that most lepers’ have more Facebook friends than Andy Flower after the ECB voted against his proposal to play Monty Panesar. The Flower said his duty as the English coach is clear & he could never support forcing anyone to play a broken down old hack and a guy who just can't pick up wickets over someone who picks up wickets at regular intervals.
Such a battle has not been seen since Wellington vs. Napoleon played at Waterloo or VHS vs. Beta ... but turning into the home straight for the last time Your Director has again sat back on his pedestal and with complete faith decided that England's lack of spirit may just be their final undoing. The close up provided by television shows the glum faces under blue helmets knowing that time is running out for them having lost too many wickets on the first day. Thankfully, Australia provided England with some much needed sundries to make their nap time tonight a little easier.
Leaving the Chinese quaking in fear, Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, announced today that he proposes to link the Australian & New Zealand defence forces together to form a new ANZAC Contingent. Defence Force officials from both countries will finalise the details of who gets to hold the gun and in what accent ANZAC soldiers will yell 'bang'.
Speaking of banging...a few clips of our Princess-in-waiting, Kevin "The Nancy" Pietersen, were flashed before our humble eyes today. No doubt he came to see his countryman, Trott, make some runs for South Africa. Oh sorry, England! And speaking of runs, or lack thereof, Freddie "The Quitter" Flintoff made absolutely NONE! Nice one Freddie.
On to the 2nd day now and there's tail enders' wickets to collect by Australia followed by 2 days of batting by the Legends. If your Direktor knew anything about cricket, and he doesn't, he'd say that England will end up with ~350 runs by lunch on Day 2 with Australia coming in to bat until the last hour of the 3rd day with 150 runs in their back pockets :)
But that's just your Direktor.....not me :)
Enjoy your day mortals...
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
5th Test - Preview
As the illegal bookies circle like vultures over the Ozzie camp, the lead up to the final Ashes Test of this campaign has really begun to heat up.
Warney has been waxing lyrical of late in the print media about how he'd like cricket to change permanently by allowing HIM and only him to make all future plans in relation to Limited Overs cricket, the IPL and Test matches...as long as they are scheduled around his Poker tourney's, tanning and teeth whitening sessions and pub crawls. Someone should tell Warney that only people with lots and lots of money have the power to do that. Not some overweight sports legend with a penchant for Bundy and cokes, durries and slutty, middle-aged gusset munchers from Essex.
This last week has been awash with drawing room chatter surrounding the selection crisis at the ECB and their decision on which non-English player to select over the other. It looks as if Bopara has not curried any favour at all with his lack of 'the runs' and has been shown the back door like a 1am Vindaloo. Former South African/Zimbabwean/Tanzanian/Icelandic/Belgian Trott has been fancied to prop up an ailing middle order should 'Dinger' Bell choke in the teens again and spill tears on a dry, turning Oval wicket.
Could the skull-capped Monty come to the fore and provide the spice England so crave? Or are the selectors going to stick with the Onions? Man-child Broad could see himself put on the back-burner for this most crucial of all Ashes Tests in modern history if England decide to go with two spinners. I wouldn't like to be picking this team in case of the dire fallout so many have already predicted comes true.
Australia, too, are facing a selection predicament. Do they drop the in-form Clark for the in-form Hauritz? Or do they keep the four in-form quicks and rely on the in-form spinning talents of in-form Clarke, North and bit time, in-form Katich? Hard one to pick here as they are all, you guessed it, ... in form! My bet is they'll go with what the wicket is telling them and drop Clark for Hauritz. A huge call given Clark's match-winning feats at Headingley seeing England crumble to 102 all out.
Brett Lee has pretty much sealed his fate as a Twenty20 and Limited Overs exponent. Having sat out the 1st four Tests of this series his future as an Australian test player has been regrettably sealed and effectively written off like an Obama Healthcare plan. Time for old Binga to hang up his boots retire to the land of Bollywood, play some IPL for a couple million dollars a year and strum his geetar. Well played mate!
So mortals it comes down to this. Five days or 30 hours or 15 sessions or 450 overs of pure, unadulterated, slap my Mamma, in-your-face, teeth rattling, throat numbing, sphincter puckering, eye bulging madness at The Oval (of course, barring the non-summery English summer). Who will land the biggest prize in all of the Lands?
We'll just have to wait and see. Good luck to all.......especially to Australia coz I love them so very much (wink, wink. call me) :)
Warney has been waxing lyrical of late in the print media about how he'd like cricket to change permanently by allowing HIM and only him to make all future plans in relation to Limited Overs cricket, the IPL and Test matches...as long as they are scheduled around his Poker tourney's, tanning and teeth whitening sessions and pub crawls. Someone should tell Warney that only people with lots and lots of money have the power to do that. Not some overweight sports legend with a penchant for Bundy and cokes, durries and slutty, middle-aged gusset munchers from Essex.
This last week has been awash with drawing room chatter surrounding the selection crisis at the ECB and their decision on which non-English player to select over the other. It looks as if Bopara has not curried any favour at all with his lack of 'the runs' and has been shown the back door like a 1am Vindaloo. Former South African/Zimbabwean/Tanzanian/Icelandic/Belgian Trott has been fancied to prop up an ailing middle order should 'Dinger' Bell choke in the teens again and spill tears on a dry, turning Oval wicket.
Could the skull-capped Monty come to the fore and provide the spice England so crave? Or are the selectors going to stick with the Onions? Man-child Broad could see himself put on the back-burner for this most crucial of all Ashes Tests in modern history if England decide to go with two spinners. I wouldn't like to be picking this team in case of the dire fallout so many have already predicted comes true.
Australia, too, are facing a selection predicament. Do they drop the in-form Clark for the in-form Hauritz? Or do they keep the four in-form quicks and rely on the in-form spinning talents of in-form Clarke, North and bit time, in-form Katich? Hard one to pick here as they are all, you guessed it, ... in form! My bet is they'll go with what the wicket is telling them and drop Clark for Hauritz. A huge call given Clark's match-winning feats at Headingley seeing England crumble to 102 all out.
Brett Lee has pretty much sealed his fate as a Twenty20 and Limited Overs exponent. Having sat out the 1st four Tests of this series his future as an Australian test player has been regrettably sealed and effectively written off like an Obama Healthcare plan. Time for old Binga to hang up his boots retire to the land of Bollywood, play some IPL for a couple million dollars a year and strum his geetar. Well played mate!
So mortals it comes down to this. Five days or 30 hours or 15 sessions or 450 overs of pure, unadulterated, slap my Mamma, in-your-face, teeth rattling, throat numbing, sphincter puckering, eye bulging madness at The Oval (of course, barring the non-summery English summer). Who will land the biggest prize in all of the Lands?
We'll just have to wait and see. Good luck to all.......especially to Australia coz I love them so very much (wink, wink. call me) :)
Sunday, August 9, 2009
4th Test - Day 3
One session and a bit on the 3rd day.....and it's all over. Who woulda thunk it? Australian supporters, that's who!
Having been rubbished by the media, the English supporters, the terrible commentary team, the English readers of this blog and the Barmy Army "boo boys", Australia came out of the blocks and absolutely made the Poms look like a bunch amateurs. It truly was a one-sided game and some serious questions need to be answered. One of those is whether Strauss knows how to captain a team, or not. Some of the bowling and field change decisions he made throughout this Test, especially during the Clarke and North's innings, were bordering on the ridiculous, to be honest, not to mention the 12th man changes where he was constantly leaving the field to seek guidance from the coach.
The Flower will need to make the decision on whether to bring back Freddie 'The pin-cushioned Quitter' from the pastures or keep 'Grievous Bodily Harmison' in; whether Bopara should be dropped to No.6 (or just dropped); whether to bring in Sidebottom or another spinner; whether to stick Bell in at No.3, and whether to place a fiddy on an English win a la the Lillee/Marsh fiasco of '81.
Australia will no doubt drop either Clark or Siddle for this last Test to make way for Hauritz. The Oval will play dry and dusty, which will suit the spinning talents of each team, which will also see the possibility of a Monty return. Look for some scathing reports in tomorrow's British tabloids. They should be quite entertaining. The Brits have never been shy in their public lambasting of their sporting elite. Good when they're up, but when their down...the Poms do like to rubbish each other.
See you in a week or so mortals. Looking forward to what will be a most dramatic of final Tests. Onward Christian soldiers and pip pip :)
Having been rubbished by the media, the English supporters, the terrible commentary team, the English readers of this blog and the Barmy Army "boo boys", Australia came out of the blocks and absolutely made the Poms look like a bunch amateurs. It truly was a one-sided game and some serious questions need to be answered. One of those is whether Strauss knows how to captain a team, or not. Some of the bowling and field change decisions he made throughout this Test, especially during the Clarke and North's innings, were bordering on the ridiculous, to be honest, not to mention the 12th man changes where he was constantly leaving the field to seek guidance from the coach.
The Flower will need to make the decision on whether to bring back Freddie 'The pin-cushioned Quitter' from the pastures or keep 'Grievous Bodily Harmison' in; whether Bopara should be dropped to No.6 (or just dropped); whether to bring in Sidebottom or another spinner; whether to stick Bell in at No.3, and whether to place a fiddy on an English win a la the Lillee/Marsh fiasco of '81.
Australia will no doubt drop either Clark or Siddle for this last Test to make way for Hauritz. The Oval will play dry and dusty, which will suit the spinning talents of each team, which will also see the possibility of a Monty return. Look for some scathing reports in tomorrow's British tabloids. They should be quite entertaining. The Brits have never been shy in their public lambasting of their sporting elite. Good when they're up, but when their down...the Poms do like to rubbish each other.
See you in a week or so mortals. Looking forward to what will be a most dramatic of final Tests. Onward Christian soldiers and pip pip :)
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
4th test - Day 1
Strauss - out (twice)
Cook - out (none)
Bopara - out (none) - I'm sorry, is he really a cricketer or a cook from Essex?
Bell - out (none)
Prior - out (none)
Swann - out (none)
Broad - out (none)
Anderson - out (none)
GBH - out (none)
Onions - out (none)
Or, 3, 8, 30, 0, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.................which is kind of how I was trying to teach my neighbours' 4 year old to count to yesterday. He can only count to 31!!! Go figure...
By the way, that was the driest bunch of 'nones' I've seen since I toured the Vatican in 2006. Woof! It's also the quietest I've heard Beefy since Australia lost to India last year where he waxed lyrical, verbally and in print, that England would beat the the Ozzies easily. Beefy, you're a complete and absolute TWAT!!!!!!
The ECB decided today to bat the upper Milton Keynes 1st XI scone baking team to take on the Australians since England had already won one game out of three and therefore decided that was the best they could muster in 4 years of cricket against Australia (1 win in the last 9).
In addition, England decided that they should just rest on their laurels for this Test and hope for the best. Your Direktor would like to point out to the ladies of MK (read: England 1st XI) that having Flintoff and Pietersen out of the team doesn't preclude the fact that one shouldn't have to place one's head in one's pocket and go "peak-a-boo" ... coz there's about 30 TV camera's placed around the ground that will pick up every single grimace imaginable.
The decision to pick Grievous Bodily "Harmison" was clearly a step back in time, in your Direktors opinion. The ECB should always look forward, not backwards and their choice to play the ageing 'has been' may just come back and bite them in the proverbial. His slow, medium, average, crap pastey away swing is likely to get NO ONE out, very quickly! (sic).
Has anyone told the Poms that that was only the 1st day of play and Test match cricket is a FIVE DAY event?!?!?!?!?!?
The umpires, again, failed the viewing public with decisions of LBW directly in front (Strauss) and around the wicket (Hussey). Come on!!! If a bowler is bowling, right-arm around, and he's swinging it a mile into a left hander...it's NOT OUT!!! For @#*s sake! It's going down leg. It doesn't matter what 'Hawkeye' says...the ball from around the wicket is ALWAYS going down leg if it's straight. FUCKING WAKE UMPIRE! YOU'RE NOT Rudi-fucking-Koertzen!!
Long way to go, but looking ominous for the 'Pastey Pimply ones". Ozstralia looking for a middle order spell of at least a 300 run lead going into the 2nd/3rd day so long as they can hold their end and not be pathetically stupid...which is something they like doing, very, very much! It's times like this when your Direktor would like to see the batting line up, after 4 down of:
S. Waugh
M. Waugh
M. Clarke
A. Gilchrist
S. Warne,
et al...
Ouch!!!
Now we have, North and Clarke, with Haddin to follow and then Johnson. Hmmmmmmm....I'm actually okay with that. Thanks for pointing that out Direktor.
You're welcome :)
Good luck Limey's!!!
Cook - out (none)
Bopara - out (none) - I'm sorry, is he really a cricketer or a cook from Essex?
Bell - out (none)
Prior - out (none)
Swann - out (none)
Broad - out (none)
Anderson - out (none)
GBH - out (none)
Onions - out (none)
Or, 3, 8, 30, 0, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.................which is kind of how I was trying to teach my neighbours' 4 year old to count to yesterday. He can only count to 31!!! Go figure...
By the way, that was the driest bunch of 'nones' I've seen since I toured the Vatican in 2006. Woof! It's also the quietest I've heard Beefy since Australia lost to India last year where he waxed lyrical, verbally and in print, that England would beat the the Ozzies easily. Beefy, you're a complete and absolute TWAT!!!!!!
The ECB decided today to bat the upper Milton Keynes 1st XI scone baking team to take on the Australians since England had already won one game out of three and therefore decided that was the best they could muster in 4 years of cricket against Australia (1 win in the last 9).
In addition, England decided that they should just rest on their laurels for this Test and hope for the best. Your Direktor would like to point out to the ladies of MK (read: England 1st XI) that having Flintoff and Pietersen out of the team doesn't preclude the fact that one shouldn't have to place one's head in one's pocket and go "peak-a-boo" ... coz there's about 30 TV camera's placed around the ground that will pick up every single grimace imaginable.
The decision to pick Grievous Bodily "Harmison" was clearly a step back in time, in your Direktors opinion. The ECB should always look forward, not backwards and their choice to play the ageing 'has been' may just come back and bite them in the proverbial. His slow, medium, average, crap pastey away swing is likely to get NO ONE out, very quickly! (sic).
Has anyone told the Poms that that was only the 1st day of play and Test match cricket is a FIVE DAY event?!?!?!?!?!?
The umpires, again, failed the viewing public with decisions of LBW directly in front (Strauss) and around the wicket (Hussey). Come on!!! If a bowler is bowling, right-arm around, and he's swinging it a mile into a left hander...it's NOT OUT!!! For @#*s sake! It's going down leg. It doesn't matter what 'Hawkeye' says...the ball from around the wicket is ALWAYS going down leg if it's straight. FUCKING WAKE UMPIRE! YOU'RE NOT Rudi-fucking-Koertzen!!
Long way to go, but looking ominous for the 'Pastey Pimply ones". Ozstralia looking for a middle order spell of at least a 300 run lead going into the 2nd/3rd day so long as they can hold their end and not be pathetically stupid...which is something they like doing, very, very much! It's times like this when your Direktor would like to see the batting line up, after 4 down of:
S. Waugh
M. Waugh
M. Clarke
A. Gilchrist
S. Warne,
et al...
Ouch!!!
Now we have, North and Clarke, with Haddin to follow and then Johnson. Hmmmmmmm....I'm actually okay with that. Thanks for pointing that out Direktor.
You're welcome :)
Good luck Limey's!!!
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